I ordered Scott's headstone yesterday. We will have to wait about 90 days for it. But, that will give us time to review the design, the weather to warm, etc. I am satisfied with what we chose. Craig's birthday was also yesterday. Interesting that Scott died on Father's Day and we ordered his headstone on Craig's BD. Don't really know what, if anything, to make of that. We went out to lunch. We haven't really done much of anything since Scott died. It was nice. We went to Lambert's-Home of the throwed roll. They actually toss the rolls to you from across the room. It is crazy! Craig had never been and I had only been once. After we got home we watched a video. Chris was doing his 1st night as a DJ, via his own production company, at a sports bar in Republic so we, along with a couple of other friends, went to see him. Chris' girlfriend is a bartender there and I think she made my drinks a little strong. Plus, I am still a bit puny so I think the alcohol hit me a little hard. In any case, we had a designated driver so I didn't worry. I needed to loosen up a little, I think. It is a RARE occasion that I go to a bar so it was a break. Today I have done regular stuff including grocery shopping. The cupboards were getting pretty bare. I usually just run in/out and get only what I need. Well, I needed a lot! I ran into a Mom of one of Scott's friends and we visited quite a while. I have seen her daughter, Colby, but not her. Anyway, she told me that 6 mos. before Scott died Colby also accidentally overdosed. I did not even know. They had to do CPR on her and she actually had a heart attact and was in ICU. Colby, I guess, has been living with guilt for not warning Scott. I am not sure it would've made any difference. Colby had also been in a serious car accident previously. I am glad she made it through. It made me even feel worse, though, about not being able to save Scott. I will always hate myself for not going in at 4 p.m. when I heard him breathe and thought it sounded funny. I almost did. My hand was on the knob. Then, I just thought, "No, he needs to sleep and I am waking him in 1 1/2 hrs. anyway." Worst decision of my life and one I will never forgive myself for.
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We\'re at the same place right now with headstones - Shaun is in the process of being finished - I think we have about 7 wks left before they put it down. I went today, to look at the memorial paver his friends had put down for him - I just stood there, holding back my tears. I\'ve been having a lot of bad days - but I am so happy to hear you went out for a little while. Does anyone ever get hit in the head with the rolls? (Smile) - Your friends daughter was lucky - I hope she learned a lesson, so many of them don\'t - one day I\'ll tell you about my niece who just turned 29 - She needs help - but she is constantly enabled - she has no reason to turn her life around.
I wish that I could take away some of your pain, and feel bad they you are carrying extra weight of guilt on your shoulders - you have to make peace with yourself - at some point - and believe it was out of your control - we have enough - adding guilt will only make it worse for you. I\'m always praying for all of here - day and night - I hope you have a good week ahead - and enjoy some of the goodies you bought at the grocery store. Take care, stay rested.
Glad you got out and had a good time. It\'s hard for us to do that, and we need too. You will always have your doubts but you can\'t blame yourself. What if you did go in his room and you got him help but that wasn\'t enough. The what if\'s will eat you up if you let them. You must forgive yourself and try to live your life as Scott would want you too. One day at a time. Love and Hugs.
I\'m so glad you went out and enjoyed yourself, even a little. We all need to that occasionally. I know how hard it is but yu have to learn not to blame yourself. We can\'t change the past, we need to look forward. I was told once that it was just their time, had they not gone then, they would have another day, another way. I know it doesn\'t take the hurt away, nothing will. Just know I\'m here with you, holding your hand and walking beside you. All my love and hugs, Dawn
Don\'t allow yourself to go to the \"what if\" world! Each of us may have been able to change something on the day our child died. IF I had talked to Alex for just 30 seconds longer on the phone that lady would have already driven through that intersection...should I have guilt about that? I know that you loved your son, as I did mine,and IF you had a way of knowing that your son was dying you would have opened the door!just as I would have stayed on the phone. There was no way to really believe that death was even a possibility...we had always lived in a sheltered world...one where children do not die...let go of that thought and fight the \"what ifs\". Love and peace to you my friend...Karen
Ginger, You know that Scott would not want you to be feeling this way. He has forgiven you and you should forgive yourself. I am gald that you got out and tried to have a good time. Love MJ
Ginger,
I also do the what if and the reality is that nothing will change.I am so glad that Colby was a succes story. There are way to many drugs out there and so easy to get. It is not us as parents that should go through the what if\'s it is the damn drug dealers. How can people live with themselves knowing what they are doing to our young???
I am glad that you enjoyed yourself and glad you didn\'t get hit by a roll:).Hugs, Inga
Forgive yourself now so that you can move ahead. You stopped at the doorknob because you were suppose to..I know that sounds really odd and mean. But really i dont mean it that way. I to had picked up my phone to call Chris as i was leaving work and stopped. I dont know why. Only to come home and receive the message on the machine from the hospital. I always called him as i was leaving work to talk and catch up on our day. It wouldnt have saved him it just would have caused me more dispair. Because they (poice or doctor in er) may have answered and i would have fallin apart at the wheel..So please the first part of healing is forgiving ourselves. You were a great mom i am sure and he would not want you to carry such a burden the rest of your days...Hugs and peace to you sherry
We have not ordered Heathers head stone yet. I imagine it does bring something to you, I just dont know yet what it is.
I am glad you had a good day with Craig. We all need those days.
Lots of love and prayers for you,
Cyndi
Ginger, you were the best mother you knew how to be. You would never have let go of the door knob if you had know. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to Scott.
What if\'s and if only\'s will forever haunt us. What if my son would have taken the city streets instead of the interstate? On the other hand what if he would have hit a foot to the left or right and if you had opened the door in time but ours sons had irreversible brain damage? The list can go on and on. It\'s hard not to feel guilt because as mothers we need to protect our children and we weren\'t able to so we beat our selves up for that. We just have to fight those demons when they pop in our heads. I know the headstone will be beautiful and it will be hard to see once it\'s in the ground but a wonderful memory for all who will visit and there will be many. I hope your feelings will gradually subside. You are a great mother. Continue to go out and try to \"live\" again. Love Robin
Glad you got the stone ordered. Please give yourself a break, from here we can say what we should have, could have, would have, done, but at the time we did what we thought was right. Most of us are not physic and can\'t see through doors, windows, Etc. I know what you are feeling but believe me it\'s not your fault. When time is up it is up regardless of what we wish or do. Go easy on yourself, the road is so hard anyway, you don\'t have to punish yourself, life has already done that. Praying for you. Love and hugs Cathy