Today was painful. I am so depressed. My husband & I talked just a little bit about Scott's death. It is hard to talk about with him. And, I have some anger from prior to when Scott died in relation to an incident concerning him and Scott. I wasn't past it before and it is even more difficult now. I wonder, is it still normal to cry so hard? Somedays it is just a tearing up. But today it was full blown sobbing. It is like a dam that leaks a little for a while then just bursts. I have heard tears release toxins. I must be full of them. My son Adam and I are going to get massages next Friday. His girlfriend gave him a gift card last Christmas and I got one too. We haven't used them yet and seems like now is as good a time as any. This Christmas I got a gift certificate for a day spa. It includes six different sessions. I don't know if my body will be able to stand being even a little bit relaxed. I am always so tense. It just occured to me I have been thinking lately about going through Scott's room and packing his things away. Not doing it, but thinking about it. Does anyone suppose that could be linked to this new wave of grief?!?!? Like the other day I was talking to my friend about getting a red runner to go over his black dresser and decorating in an oriental motif. His bedroom suite is black. It was my Grandmothers spare bedroom set and I have always thought about the oriental theme. I just hadn't intended to for many years. Opinions, anyone? I mean about the grief, not the decorating. Tomorrow two of Scott's friends from kindergarten and 6th grade, respectively, are coming over to cook supper for me. I am sort of scared. Two twenty-one year old young men in my kitchen cooking I don't know what. Their Moms are coming, too. We are just going to go soak in the hot tub while they have at it. That, I think, is even scarier. But, I am so blessed to have these young people in my life and even after 6 mos. still wanting to do something for me. Both of them spent the night at my house and Scott at theirs many, many times. As you can tell, in spite of how I am feeling, I am trying to plan things and be open to things. Baby steps. I still feel like I am somehow betraying Scott by living. It should have been me and his dad to die first. Not one of my "babies". I am still just so confused!
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its very normal to cry nonstop all day, i do it all the time. there is not much more we can do except \'live\' in our bodies til its time to let go of our bodies, it seems. right now i cant live any more then at minimal levels. when i had the reading with george anderson, he reminded me that , concerning how young joey was , \'its the life in the years not the years in the life\'...and joey said in the reading he had had a full life..which, he did, a very exciting life compared to many older people i know..so i have to think that he lived the life he had to live in his body and now he is still living, more alive then me, in spirit. yes, its okay to be a mess about all this. i am still a total mess. love you
Its good to have friends and to have Scotts friends over thats wonderful, They want to share Scotts memory with you, I also would give my life for Roberts if I could but we cant and thats whats so hard we have to keep on going. Your friend Kelly , Hugs and kisses xoxoxo
I have moments where I can\'t stop crying, I also have a hard time sometimes to talk about Melissa. But it\'s just because we miss our angels so much. Keep talking. Love and Hugs.
If it weren\'t for our DS family I would have questioned if I were grieving \"normally\", too. But, I\'ve learned that, although we all seem to experience the same emotions and pain, grieving is completely individual. There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of our children. I\'m glad to hear some of Scott\'s friends are still including you in their lives. I have a few of Jerry\'s friends that do the same and it means so much to me....like they are my link to my son somehow. Holding you and praying for peace for us all. Love, Adrianne
Everyone is right when they describe life now as a roller coaster ride. Some ups and lots of downs. We all experience them. I think your massage will help you. I\'ve been getting one almost every week - otherwise I would have been so knotted up I wouldn\'t have been able to move. I hope it helps you.
I believe we all say the same thing...it should have been us and not them. They had their whole lives ahead of them. I have read that in so many journals and been writting it in mine...many times. I don\'t think there will ever be a day that I don\'t think that. You are taking baby steps...moving in the right direction. And that is all you need do. Do we ever get over it? I don\'t believe so. Every morning I wake up and think of my angel and how she should be here with me...or living her life with her friends. Not going to happen. I had to go through Alicia\'s things within a month of her death. She had a condo and I had to sell it. So, with the help of her friends, one of my friends, and my sister, we cleaned out her place. I can\'t say that I did much. I packed up many of her things and brought them back to Mn. They are still in my basement...it has been almost 1.5 years now. And I still cannot make myself go through very many of her things and I doubt I will ever part with them. I just cannot make myself do it. RE: betraying Scott by living, try looking at it this way. What if you had died first? What would you want your son to do? You would want him to live a full and happy life and not be stuck in his grief for you. So, I am sure our children want us to live our lives as best we can. They don\'t want to see us sad...they want to see those smiles that they loved! I look at my life and try to live it the best way I can. I figure alicia is living now through me...her life was stolen. I am not going to let my life get stolen as well! I hope I have helped even a little bit. Our path is difficult but we have each other on this journey. Hugging you tightly! Love, lana
Yep...we can cry or we can sob...it is what it is...i don\'t think we should fight it. How sweet that these guys are cooking for you...I think they are awesome friends both to your son and to you! Enjoy the hot tub...enjoy the spa...enjoy the massage...I don\'t think I know what it feels like to relax...my shoulders and neck are so tense all the time...thanks for sharing...love, peace and hugs...Karen
Yes, unfortunately sobbing becomes a part of our life-you just have to sometimes, the regular tears just don\'t work. And yes, I would think that you would react internally to any new stresses, even thinking of doing something very basic to his room, or being to pack some things up-your mind might tell you that you are fine with it but your body and emotions I think just go haywire-even when it\'s stuff that has to be done. I had so many physical symptoms and still do-I hate getting mail due to all the bills and things we had to deal with after Chris died-I can actually feel my blood pressure go up-it sounds so silly but it\'s just what our bodies and emotions do to us so you surely are not crazy-just trying to cope like we all are and we understand-enjoy the massage-I will tell you that you will probably cry so take some tissue, but it will be good for you, Love, Sandy
May your tears bring healing to your heart. It has been over 4 years and I still wake every morning thinking of my son and what we have lost and I go to bed at night thinking of my baby boy. If only we had known maybe we would of done that when they were with us but you don\'t really know what you have until you lose it. So today I appreciate those around me just a little more. I speak my feelings a little more. I love a little more. And I pray that Elvin sees me and that it warms his heart just a little to know that he made that kind of an impact on our lives. So today cry when you need to but remember to smile a little too. We all cry with you and we all smile with you as well.
In faith, hope and love. Pam
you are so lucky to have Scotts friends to still visit.Enjoy your massages.hugs,jfm24,vicki
I beleive that its normal for you to still sob. I do..Somedays it just hits me and then i feel a sense of peace as if Chris is patting me on the back and saying i know moms..but dont cry im right here. And i say out loud OK Chris i know i know..But i miss you..ANd then i move on..These were our babies everything we did day in and day our night and day..feed them worry about them and fear for there safety. And with boys thats a 24 hr worrying. So enjoy your massages and while you are lying there remember the happy memories and his laugh and realize that we were blessed to raise these great boys..Have a peaceful sleep..hugs and much love sherry
If crying still isn\'t normal, you have a lot of company in the crazy place. I too feel like somehow I\'m betraying or forgetting John if I go on living as if this hadn\'t happened. I\'m trying therapy again. Praying for us all. Love and hugs Cathy