Once again thanks to all you wonderful moms who inspire, support, and understand me. Seems all of us are in the same, lousy, sinking ship. More grey, wrinkles, sagging shoulders, and grief that bubbles like a volcano, ready to erupt at any moment. It will be 6 months next Mon., the 17th, since Scott passed. It still hurts so much. Even more, in many ways. I am so ready for the holidays to be over. Every single day memories crowd my mind. I don't mind the memories but it seems like I can't remember anything else. I have to force myself to remember things about my other sons and Christmas' past. That is so not fair to them. I don't love them any less than Scott. I just miss him so much. There is such a huge VOID without him. And I feel guilty when I think about so many moms here that have lost more than one child or lost their only. I am in awe of their strength and terrified I might ever experience that. On a positive note, I have really been trying. I am a part of the "Secret Santa" thing at work. I have to say it is a nice start to a day to leave a gift for someone and find one for yourself. It is something to look forward to on both counts. Things to look forward to are few and far between these days. And, I have an awesome "Santa". He/She, so far has brought an ornament, soap, reindeer socks, and a cup with peppermint hot chocolate. It is fun. Fun is also something that I don't really remember much. I have 5 working days left until my 12 day break. I am so looking forward to it. I plan to clean and be a couch potato. With the holidays, I will actually dust. I mean REALLY dust. It will be the 1st time in months. (Not counting to Swiffer thing) And, Craig will be working which means after sooooo many months, I can finally have some time alone. That means as much to me as anything. I need that so badly. Even when he is just sitting on the sofa, he is in my way. I am sure you ladies understand. It's not that I would want him sitting anywhere else....I just need some private time that is before the midnight hour. Guess it is going to snow here this weekend. I hope so. Gives me another plausible excuse not to go anywhere.
Replies
Ginger I have had alot of time to my self and it helps but I also have more difficult days when by myself.I try so hard to be positive I love my girls just as much as i love Justin.I\'ve notice since some of the fog has lifted from my eyes I\'ve have notice that I have left them out of my life I don\'t know if it\'s that I have so much grief.I know they are sad but their dealing with it a different way which upsets me very much.They have moved on they still greive I\'m sure in their alone time.I still quite often. I got mt camcoder out yesterday and was watching it from 2002-2004.I had to quit watching it.Justin was in some but it was Christmas and I could here his voice in the back ground.I\'m so thankful I have those tapes but right now it\'s to unbearable to watch.I\'m glad your work is doing stuff for Chriatmas and I\'m sure that brings a smile to your face.I hope you have good days when your off for the holidays.I pray for you I really know what we are going thru.Our sons died way to soon and unexpected.It has been 8 months since Justin died and like you said I have a huge VOID in my heart.Just keep those memories from Christmas\'s past.I tell you the truth right now I can\'t remember Christmas\'s past I guess I have blocked it out right now.You take care.Merry Christmas to our son\'s they will be greatly missed.hugs,love,jfm24,vicki
It is the memories that make it so hard. I too have other kids which I love and yet memories of their Christmases are not upper most in my mind. I just have this huge empty space where John used to be and I try to fill it with memories but they just make the hole bigger and the tears flow. I have adopted a family for Christmas, I figured if I couldn\'t find the joy and the miracle, I\'d try and make one for someone else. I have a single Mom and a ten year old boy and I\'m to provide Christmas for them and trust me it will be a beaut. I\'ve bought everything on their wish list with the exception of pot and pans. I\'ve bought every conceivable grocery and candy, nuts etc. I plan on them having as wonderful a Christmas as we used to have at our house. This somehow makes Christmas less horrible. Love and hugs to you Cathy
We all understand! I haven\'t cleaned much either. I used take much better care than I do now. I just don\'t care that much anymore. I don\'t know how to fill the hole in our hearts. The holidays are so hard for all of us. Our sons will be missed today and everyday for the rest of our lives. Somehow we just have to learn how to live in the now. A place most of us don\'t want to be without our children. Hugs, Cyn
I do understand, totally. Have a couch potato here too. I had some time off this summer and hubby was working. I loved it, I got outside and planted a garden and I groomed it. Planted two trees, cut the grass. I wish it was summer again. Got snow yesterday here, took a while to dig out. Don\'t really like the stuff so I could do without it. I miss my gardening. Hang in there, Take care, Love and Hugs.
The void is surely there-and yes, I think we all remember having fun-but it truly is a memory isn\'t it-hopefully one day we will be able to actuallye experience that feeling again but it\'s going to take much time, Love, Sandy