(Monday night) First of all thanks to all you have shared comments with me on my journals.  I guess I will go to the Thanksgiving dinner.  It is at noon and we should be out of there by 2 or 3.  I will step outside if I need to and take a walk.  (Then everyone can talk about me.....I don't care!) Like I said before if this is something Craig needs for his healing journey then I will do it for him.  I went to the Dr. today.  I have been puny for so long and I wanted to chat with him about Scott.  He is our Family Doctor.  I asked him about Scott's death, something I had put off for this whole 5 months.  As I said in my profile, I listened to him breathe at 4 p.m.  At 5:30 when I went to wake him up he was gone.  The breath I heard sounded funny.  It has a name I cannot remember.  Anyway, Scott, according to one of the EMT's passed at about 4:30.  I wanted to know if I had opened the door when I heard that breath if it would've changed the outcome.  The Dr. told me probably not and if I had been able to get help, Scott had been oxygen deprived enough that he would either be on a ventilator, severly brain damaged, and maybe even have Cerebal Palsy.  It has haunted me these past five months to wonder if it was God's intervention that I did not go in or if I had missed a window of opportunity.  I don't feel exactly better with this info but I do have more understanding.  In a small way it is a comfort.  I know, as full of life as Scott was, that he would've hated living on a vent, or not being "normal'. (If he knew.)  One part of me would have that Scott in a minute so at least I could hug him.  The other knows he is without pain and suffering now and that the other  would be heartbreaking in its own way.  It is still all so confusing but at least now I know that the other outcome would've been devistating as well.  Basically, a lose-lose situation.  The Dr. also bumped up my anti-depressant.  I take Lexapro.  I didn't think it was doing anything at all anyway until I decided to stop taking it.  I found it is making some difference.  Without the Lexapro I was depressed and sad.  With it, I am sad and there is no pill for that.   I am sure I am still depressed as well but not to the extent as without the meds.  I just hate taking medications but I guess for me, now, the Lexapro is as important as the antibiotic.  I am planning to go to a Compassionate Friends meeting tomorrow night. (Tues.)   I hope I can find some peace.