One more day almost over! I am not living anymore. Just breathing. I go to work, come home, nap, eat, TV, & computer. That's all. I don't have the energy or "want to" for anything else. The above is plenty! I dread the holidays. The worst, of course, is not having Scott. And then, there is the financial drain. Like many of you, I am sure, the funeral took a big toll on our financial state. And, to be honest, I just plain don't care. I feel bad in one way because I have 2 other sons alive and well. But it isn't about them. It is about this HUGE hole in my heart and the constant gut-wrenching pain. For Chris & Adam I am so blessed and grateful they are here. Although, I live in constant terror of losing another child. I mean I am really terrified. I feel like I should want to do things, be of a holiday spirit, up & at 'em, etc. because I do have family alive and well. I feel guilty that I don't care. I don't mean I don't care about them. I mean I don't care about life in general. I feel like I am just doing time. If I sound confused it is because I am. I actually feel crazy at times. At work the kids have art class every day. We paint, weave, color, whatever. I do whatever they are doing. I told my husband sometimes it feels like a glimpse into my future...me sitting in some asylum doing exactly that. Some crazy woman sitting there painting a not-so-good, non-work, of art just to pass the time. Ah well, another day on its way....
Replies
Sweetie, I know how you feel. It\'s like life has no purpose any longer and we are just existing here now. It\'s part of the grieving process. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I\'m so new at this new life myself and am just struggling through my days. Just know my heart goes out to you and I hope you have some better days soon. *Hugs* Adrianne
well, huge hugs and i know exactly how you feel. my oldest son says he is still angry at his little brother, and i know its because he sees how i am now. he feels guilty about being angry,he loves his brother, but i know i cannot force being any different then how i feel now. just know i understand. huge hugs and love , marianne
my prayers to you, we have to feel crazy at times to make it through this. You are not alone, and I would relish a day of blindly painting. Hugs to you! Lynette ~ Matthews mom
I agree totally, and I hate it when someone says that I have two other children to live for. I know that, but they can\'t take Greg\'s place, anymore than he could have taken theirs. Each one is so unique, and the pain is so deep. It tears at your heart every day. I can\'t be a \"cheerleader\" when I feel no cheer. Sorry, Rita
i know exactly how you feel , everything is such a mess, nothing seems to matter , your just along for the ride , when a child is killed or dies in another way , what foes it matter , there gone and nothing will ever bring them back or fill the void in your life and in ur heart , i know i have 3 more grandchildren whom i love and adotr , but aaron was my special one , so very close we were , it will never ever be the same or feel the times , its a funny feeling , spookey even , theres no meaning take care , my prayers ++++Pat
Believe me you are not crazy, sometimes I think crazy would be a relief, but no we get to go through each excruciating moment of everyday. I know about work, home,eat, computer and nothing else , that\'s me to a tee, so if your crazy me too. The holidays are a feat of will power for me, last year I couldn\'t do anything and this year I will but purely out of should, not because I want to or feel joyful or any of that. I\'m not sure what the time period is for feeling like doing things again but I haven\'t got there yet, so give yourself time. Praying for peace for you. Love and Hugs Cathy
I know what you mean about being terrified of losing another child. That is my biggest fear. I know of about four other women on this site who have lost more than one child. It\'s unfair to our living children because they have to live life but I am in total panic mode until all my children are home for the night under one roof. Then the process starts again the next day. Very exhausting. I keep telling myself to live in faith not in fear but it didn\'t get me past losing one. I\'m so sorry you are hurting. You are not crazy just wishful thinking. I can only hope and pray we will look back at this several months or years and the pain will have subsided enough that we can smile and laugh with each other. Thinking of you. Love Robin