Thank goodness it is Friday...well it really is Sat. now but haven't been to bed yet, so...I started taking an anti-depressant again. I hate meds but it does seem to be helping a little bit. At least I am not crying ALL the time. And when I do sleep, I sleep a little better. Today was busy! We took our classroom kids to a fire department. Then we walked about 4 miles (REALLY) up and down one of the oldest streets in Springfield. We went over the old walk bridge over the rail yards. The kids loved it. We rode the city bus which is always an experience. Tonight I chapparoned (sp?) a middle school dance. I caught a young couple making out under the bleachers. I thought that was only movie stuff. Anyway, they were embarrassed and that was enough for me in the way of discipline. I called them on it and they were as red as apples. I really enjoy middle schoolers. They are so cute finding their way. My oldest son, Chris, came over with his girlfriend for a little while. His TV went out so I gave him Scott's. He and I were in Scott's room and cried and talked for a bit. It was good to cry with my son. He said,"Scott is everywhere in here and yet we can't find him." He is so right. I still can't do anything with Scott's stuff or change anything. I just keep the door closed and go in once in a while to sit and/or hug his clothes since I can't hug him. But, I don't think he would mind that I gave his TV to his brother. In fact, he would probably be glad he had something to offer. Craig, my husband, still hasn't replaced his job. I don't know what we will do. I can't support us on my income, that is for sure! Adam is about $300.00 short on buying his truck. That is no money and yet it seems like a million right now. I hate to borrow anymore but just may have to so he can find another job. Geez! Why does life have to be so damned hard? The funeral home is wanting their money, I can't blame them. The ins. co. is being difficult, don't really know why. The job situations, who knows? My son, Chris, expressed concern for my well being. Really he is afraid I will kill myself. I told him I didn't care if I did die. He could tell everyone I said, wiping my brow, WHEW! But, I will not take in my own hands. I just keep breathing. One moment at a time. I had ample opportunity to take my own life with some of the meds I found in Scott's room. I "melted" them in water before I poured them down the drain. Yes, for a split second I thought if I drank this I would not feel this pain. But, it would hurt so many others as well as going against my beliefs so I just poured the stuff down the drain. So, here I am again venting to who knows who and appreciating the comments I receive. I honestly look forward to the messages, comments, & hugs. This site has helped me so much. It is nice, in such an awful way, to have something, anything, to look forward to.
Replies
It is so hard to continue. I\'ve never been suicidal. Now that I\'ve lost my son, I know that those who do take their lives must have immense pain because I could never describe this pain to anyone other than all of us mothers on this site. It\'s indescribable. Like you, there are days I don\'t care if I die. I even wish that I wouldn\'t wake up but for some reason I do and go on \"existing\" in this world I long to escape. I\'m glad you\'re on this site to share your feelings because I know many of us feel the same things and it\'s nice to know we are not alone. Hoping things can calm down a bit for you and you can continue to get some rest and the meds continue to help. Thinking of you. Love Robin
That\'s such a good way to look @ it..He\'s everywhere ,but we can\'t see him..I know that feeling well..I still haven\'t been to sleep..It\'s now 3am..not a bad day,just have alot on my mind about myself & how to get back on track in my life...Scott wouldn\'t want u to hurt urself..You\'re a strong woman..Stay Strong..Love & hugs,EDITH
The experience of losing my son has forever changed my outlook on life. There was a time when I feared dying. Now, I no longer fear it and am looking forward to being reunited with my son. I, too have had thoughts of ending my life, even if they were brief thoughts. But, like the rest of the parents here....I keep going even though it is so difficult most of the time. Life just isn\'t what it used to be, is it? Sending you a big hug and I hope you find a little peace this weekend. My thoughts are with you. Adrianne
You are allowed to feel the way you do, and you don\'t need anyones permission. Venting? We all have to do that or we would explode. EEEEWWWW not a wonderful picture. We all have probably had thoughts of ending it all, but we don\'t because we know thats really not the answer to our pain, it will just pass it onto others. We are the ones that bare the pain of our families because thats what we moms do, make it better and fix the problems. Only thing is we can fix this problem and that is why we feel the way we do. In other words \"YOU ARE NORMAL\". Take Care, Love and Hugs.
i do know what you mean. i have had the same feelings. i could care less if i died right now, but it won\'t be at my own hands. i keep going for some reason, what i don\'t know. just know that we will take this impossible journey one step at a time together. love you! ~ charlayne
You have earned the right to say and feel anything you want without being judged. We are right now
\"normal \"for us( not even sure what that means.)
When my son died i went through his things quickly and gave away anything that was not personal, other people want to hold onto things and I think
\" whatever works\".
I often wanted to die when my son died and I still do but not as often.I was in so much pain and the only solution I thought was death.
keep talking about your feelings and you will find that we have all been there...Hugs, Inga
IM RIGHT THERE WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU...HAVE FELT THE SAME AND IM READY WHEN EVER IT TIME...I MISS MY SON...LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME...AND YES LIFE IS SO HARD..LOVE U ALL...AND FOREVER WALKING BESIDE U...DIANA
I know the feeling I don\'t care if I live or die but I would not take my life as you\'re right it husrts too many people. Hope your partner finds a job quickly and that things begin to look up for You. What your son said about Scott being everywhere and not being able to find him is so so true. You see them and feel them and yet you can\'t find them and your heart bleeds. I just never thought of it that way befor. Thank your son for me and give him a hug . Love and hugs cathy