Sat. night, 10-27-07:It is actually still Sat. except this will say Sun. Today was a strange day. I was really cranky this morning. This afternoon my husband and I took a bunch of stuff to our oldest son's home. He just bought a house so I have been taking all his stuff to him. I don't think he realized just how much he had here and I am not EVEN finished. It was nice to visit with him and his girlfriend. After that we went out to eat. Nothing fancy but one of our favorite places. And we looked at modular homes to maybe put on our other property. If we decide to build instead, we got lots of cool ideas. Then on to grocery shop. A regular day in so many ways. When I got home there was a message from a good friend. She was checking on me and also told me her son (one of Scott's best friends) sent 2 T-shirts he made in honor of Scott. (Several of his friends ordered them) I am sure the design/wording will be totally Scott and friends. It will mean that much more. Then I read Scott's MySpace acct. People are still wishing him a happy birthday. It all means so much to me and yet it hurts so much. Every kindness brings another round of tears. I am so sick of this! I was thinking today that the only relief from this pain will be death. I am not going to speed things along but when it comes I think it will be welcome. A release from all of it. Am I crazy or does anyone else feel like that? I just get so overwhelmed with pain everyday. I don't feel like my husband really understands how I feel. Maybe it is harder for us moms because they were a part of us. Or maybe dads just don't show so much. It is just not the right order of things. We have our children and expect them to always be with us. I know Scott did not want to die. And yet, he had so much pain and so many struggles I think I should feel better knowing he doesn't have those things to deal with. Sometimes when I go to the cemetery I feel like he is not really there but his grave is just to comfort me. Other times I feel like he is just there and there is nothing beyond. This is crazy stuff. I have never felt so crazy! In any case, I hate it all. I hope everyone reading this is having a much more peaceful time than me.
Replies
I understand ..this new life is so different and crazy...and unreal..but real!!I hate all of it also..ur not alone!!
It will take a long time for us to get use to this new life that has been dealt to us. The nice thing is, is that we all have each other. Take Care, Love and Hugs
ginger i know your pain and i do think about dying myself it\'s just to hard.I too know justin didn\'t want to die.his death has been a slap in the face.i too go to the cematary sometimes i don\'t know why because it hurts so bad.people say we will get through this but it seems to get worse i don\'t cry everyday now but when i do I cry so hard until there\'s no more tears left.I don\'t think my family understands how I feel.they have went on with life they still hurt but in a different way then I do.I pray for you. us two are connected because both of are sons died the same way.i\'m starting to have dreams that aren\'t pleasent.i almost hate going to bed.you hang in there we maybe hanging by a thread but our family needs us. I may walk around like a zombie but i know in my heart whats left of it is for them.thinking of you,love jmf24,vicki
A Poem for You
A Mothers Pain
You see me smiling.what you don\'t see is that i am screaming behind that smile.You see me go on with everything....work....groceries.....life in general.what you don\'t see is that it takes every ounce of energy i have just to breathe.you see me alone with my thoughts.what you don\'t see is me talking to him you see me say i\'m fine.what you don\'t see is the huge whole in my heart that can never be filled. you see me and think she\'s back to normal what you don\'t see is that there is no normal for me anymore.You see me and think oh my God i hope this never happens to me what...i hope this never happens to you either.you see me joking and laughing with others and think she must be getting over what happened.What you don\'t see is that i can never forget,nor would i want,you never get over the loss of a child.you see me sad and don\'t know what to say so you keep going.what you don\'t see is all i really want is for you to ask how i am doing really,and give me a hug.you see that life goes on.what you don\'t see is that the life i had will never be the same.you see that i am strong....don\'t be deceived. what you don\'t see is that i am weak and weary.some days i am 6 feet from the edge.what you see is a mask...a lie.the mask helps you cope with me and me cope with myself.what you don\'t see is the raw sometimes unbearable pain,you don\'t see me screaming to heaven for God to give my son back.what you don\'t see you could never understand anyway unless you walk a mile in my shoes....God Forbid....you have sent me this and i\'m sending it back to you this poem is exactly how i feel. i wish i good comfort you but maybe all we need is each other.love jfm24,vicki
Nothing you feel isn\'t something all of us have felt or continue to feel so no you are not crazy unless we all are. Yes death seems so welcome most days. I don\'t think anyone wants to die because it\'s unknown yet this pain is so hard to endure everyday. I also think the men in our lives hurt too. I asked my husband how often he thinks of our AJ and when he does how does he keep from breaking down. He said he thinks about him constantly just like me but he just pushes the pain down deep and trys to go on like he thinks AJ would want him too. We mothers tend to wear our emotions on the surface. Men are better at hiding things yet hurt just as much I\'m sure. I have no answers as no one does but I feel your pain as you feel mine and pray everyday that we are able to find some joy and reasons to stay in this new life we be given. Peace and comfort to you. Love Robin
I am having a bad week also.it does seem like Mom\'s have a stronger connection to our children then most Dad\'s.I think of it as the \"umbilical bond\".
I know how we love hearing our childrens names and remembrences and @ the same time our heart? break but would it not be worse if our children were forgotten? That is the one thing that I fear the most , that my sons memory will fade. I am doing everything in my power to keep his name alive.Let\'s hope we have a better day tomorow. Hugs, Inga
I no longer worry about dying...it would be okay. I WOULD worry about my family so I will stay as safe and healthy as I can...they do not need any more sorrow. Love and hugs...Karen
You are not crazy. I think the same thoughts. I am so tired of the struggle everyday. I don\'t want to be here either. I know our children would not us to feel that way. I search everyday to find answers. Joe is in a better place? Joe were are you? What is heaven? What is after? I can\'t even look at his my space. I will fall apart. Then, I feel guilty becaue I do not look at it. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Take Care love lucille
Reading you journal sounds like reading my mind. I\'m sure we will take this pain to death with us, not as sharp but still there bring death as a friend to be welcomed in. I too feel one day ther\'s more and the next that there isn\'t. I take coomfort in Elizabet Kubler-Ross\'s words. \" If death is the end of all conscieniousness sp] I won\'t know and if there\'s more I\'m ready\" Wishig you peace in your day and week. Love and hugs cathy