October 25:  I am still so down!  I am really trying to feel better.  So many friends, mine and Scott's have called or emailed me 'cause they knew Scott's birthday would be hard.  I feel very lucky to have these people in my life.  I have a huge support system and that is awesome.  But, no matter how much support I have, they can't give me what I want and need the most...Scott.  I know that sounds incredibly selfish.  And of course, it is impossible.  But, that is how I feel.  I am trying really hard to feel ALL my feelings.  I think that is a big part of my journey.  It is very hard for me not to just tamp them down.  On top of everything else, my husband may not make the cut in his new job.  He has been there about 2 months.  We should know tomorrow.  And, tonight my youngest son called from work and told me he also may not make it at his job.  He has only been there one month.  The funeral home also called asking about the insurance.  Fortunately he is a family friend.  He is calling the ins. co. tomorrow.  I don't know how we will ever pay for the funeral if the money doesn't come.  I don't make enough to support us.  Not even close!  Everything just seems to be piling up.  Bad on top of bad.  I am so tired.