October 18:  Well, it is nearly 2 a.m. I have to be up again in 4 hrs.  I am just so troubled.  I can't believe I will never see my "baby boy" in this lifetime again.  It hurts so much!  I look at his photos and think "How can this be?"  My heart is so heavy.  Will this intense pain ever end?  I don't know that I am strong enough to bear this pain.  And yet, what else can I do????  I keep breathing and each breath is so painful.  I just want to feel some peace, to enjoy something, anything, again.  My smiles are fake, my laugh is only in my face...shallow....even my compassion for others is pulled from far away, from my old self.  God...I HATE this!!!  I have had so many struggles in my life but this is by far the hardest.  I just don't know how to keep doing this!  I miss my "baby" so much!  Such a waste!  Someone, anyone, give me some words of wisdom, some hope.....