October 17:  Another day, another struggle.  Seems like I just get worse.  I went to a Compassionate Friends Mtg. last night.  It helps a little but it is so painful.  And, it hurts that there are always new people coming to the meetings.  I hate it for all of us!  I had an interesting thing happen.  On Scott's My Space acct. he has photos posted. In two of the photos, a friend of his noticed, is a cross on the wall behind him right over his left shoulder.  For a while I really felt Scott's presence.  I haven't lately and went I went to the cemetery  the last time I said, "Scotty, please show me something, anything!"  On Monday my youngest son, Adam, and I were looking at some photos.  On his Sr. picture, which is 3 years old, we noticed on the barn wall behind him, in the wood, next to his left arm was a cross.  We have seen that photo a zillion times.  I keep that one in my wallet and the set is on my entertainment center. (I will try to post it with my other photos.) We had never noticed.  Adam and I thought WOW.  I didn't give it a whole lot more thought until last night at the meeting when the discussion about signs was brought up.  True or not, I am going to take that as a sign.  I want to believe he can hear me and is here with us in his own way.  Crazy?  Maybe.  But that's ok cause my whole world is that way.  On a whole different note, my husband and I saw a tornado touch down tonight.  That was very cool and far enough away not to be afraid.  It was confirmed on TV.  Of course I guess another one could've come down right where we were.  But, I sort of felt like Capt. Dan in Forrest Gump when he challenged God to basically "bring it on."  It is strange I have my other 2 sons, my husband, my mom, many good friends, a job I love, but I still don't care.  I mean I care about them and love them,  I just don't care about whether I am here or not.  I know that would be awful for all of them and I am not going to do anything, one way or the other, it is just strange.  Always before everyone else came before me.  Now, I just don't have the energy for any of it.  I guess, maybe, that is just part of "it".  Well, it is almost time to go get Adam from work.  Hopefully we will get him a vehicle in the next week or so.  It is exhausting to go pick him up so late and then get up so early in the morning.  I am sure that is one reason I have been sick.  My resistance is not so great these days.  Oh well, like everything else, we do what we have to do.