October 12: I am really struggling today. Well, really all week. I miss Scott so much more each day. I am so tired of this pain. It has been nearly 17 weeks and although the tears are less frequent, the pain in more intense. I am so lonely for him. I also have a bit of guilt. I hear people whining about their stuff and I just can't feel too bad for them. That is so not like me. It is their stuff and important to them. My head knows that but my heart knows that any of us who have lost children have done and are doing the hardest thing anyone could ever do. So selfish of me.... My mom was moved to a nursing home to receive some physical therapy and hopefully gain some weight. I will be glad when she gets to go back home. I am having a hard time gathering any strength to be real supportive. I mean I talk to her and see her when I can but I just really don't have a cherry "it will be ok" side. I am still waiting to hear from the insurance company. And there are some issues with social security to deal with now. I can't wait to finish this stuff. I just want to grieve peacefully. I am sick of looking at the death certificate, ME report, and medical records. It is like an open wound that just keeps getting picked at not even having a chance to start to heal. I think often of all you wonderful Mom's who are struggling with the same things. To those of you who are struggling with other issues, I really do care. Really. I am just messed up right now. I am still trying to put all my pieces together and combine this new me with the old me. I hope everyone reading this is having an easier and more peaceful time. Until later.....
Replies
I MISS CODY MORE AND MORE EACH DAY,,,ITS GOING TO BE 16 MONTHS THE 20TH...IT A HELL OF A STRUGGLE EVERY DAY..MISSING HIM AND JUST NEEDING HIS HI MOM..I LOVE YA AND A HUG....IT FEELS LIKE SOME DAYS IT JUST GETS HARDER...BUT KNOW UR LOVED AND CARED ABOUT...DIANA
ginger hope today is a better one for you.i know i had to deal with all justin\'s debtors it was so hard.i was in bad shape yesterday cried most the day.you keep hanging in there,i know are boys are truly missed and my heart just aches.when you get through all the paperwork you will have your time to grieve i know it cause i\'ve went through it just hang in there hugsjfm24,vicki
Hang in there..I know that it took us 1 yr to finish Chris\'s final stuff..Every week it was something new to do..Its still very soon and the feeling of who cares is normal. Nothing is that important other than greiving..Hugs to you hope you have a better day tomorrow. Love Sherry
We understand and feel your pain-we had to deal with Chris\' creditors and I know how you feel when you have to keep getting out a death certicate again and again-it\'s like the world is just kicking your stomach in while you\'re laying on the ground in agony. At four months after Chris died I had my worst time-don\'t know why, but when I hit the four month mark, right about where you are, I just lost it-and having to deal with all this crap doesn\'t help. I see from some of the other Moms they have had to do this too-I HATED going to the mailbox-would get physically sick. What new letter from what new creditor would come-who else would be demanding stuff or threatening-the credit card companies have no compassion-they just want their money-we got through it but it definitely took a year, like Chrissmom above said-we\'re here and when you need to scream and vent just do it to us-we understand-we have been there. Love, Sandy
I kept getting an ambulance bill every week long after the insurance should have taken care of it. I finally had to call and just say \"hey, this is too painful\" stop sending. How you can get a bill from the ambulance company a couple of days after your son\'s been killed is beyond my comprehension. However, it\'s business and no personal side to any of it. How stupid of us to think there would be. It\'s so true, others problems are so mild in comparison you want to shake them silly and say \"are you kidding me\". We were there a few months ago ourselves and now we know better so all we can do is just let it go. Hopefully soon you can wrap up all the loose ends. I\'m thinking of you. Love Robin
Don\'t feel bad about \"other people\'s issues\"! I do the same thing. When I have friends telling me about their problems or how horrible their life is I think to myself YOU HAVE NO IDEA!! I think that is normal to feel that way! And until things get settled it is like picking at a open wound. I\'m so sorry that things are just so difficult right now, and hopefully soon you can close all the paperwork up and stuff and focus on you and your grief!! I pray that you can find peace of mind soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Candice
We do understand and I especially know how having to do all the paper work continues to dig at the wound that\'s not healing anyway. I kept getting stuff, just about the time I thought I was getting it a little under control something else would come up and rip the wound wide open again. It never seems to end but it does, mine did just under the year after I filed his income tax for the year he died. Now I just occasionally have to deal with the bank or the lawyer. It\'s a horrendous wound and don\'t be hard on yourself about other people\'s problems, you have more than enough to deal with without quilting yourself over other people. The pain does become less intense but so far for me it hasn\'t gone away, and i have a sneaking hunch it never will. It will become part of who we are and how we face the world. Holding you close and praying for relief so you can grieve in peace. Love and hugs Cathy