September 30: This thing may say Sunday, like it did last week, but it is really Sat. night. Today was so-so. My youngest son and I went and ran a zillion errands today. He is 20. It was nice having the time with him. We got my oldest son another birthday present. He was 28 on the 26th. Tomorrow we are having our home birthday party. His girlfriend and friends had a surprise party for him on the 26th. It was great and he was truly surprised. I went to the cemetery to visit Scott. I made a fall decoration for his grave with a little scarecrow. He loved the fall. His birthday is Oct. 22. That will be so hard. But, it will be hard tomorrow without him here for Chris' family party. One more empty chair. I cry so hard when I visit him but I feel like I have to. (visit him) I know he is really not there but I feel like he is watching. I hope so. I had a mini meltdown today. I got the medical records from the hospital. I requested from his literal birthday to 6-17-07. Anyway, in the records were his feet prints. I had never seen those. His feet were so tiny. It caused me to do a slide show of his life. Some of it makes me so angry. At his Dad, friends, family, and myself. I am trying my best not to focus on that but it is hard! The would've, could've, should've's. None of that matters and yet I go there nearly every day. Most of Scott's life was good. He lived, when he was not messed up, every day to the fullest. He loved life, his family, and friends. I always admired his zest and energy. My husband and I are not getting along so well. Not horrible, but not so good. We are at different stages in our grief, I think. He said, the other night, that it seems like I push him away. So, I have really been trying to talk to him and make him a part of my day. At supper tonight I told him, in detail, about what Adam and I had done. About 3 hours later he asked me what Adam and I did today. It hurt. It is like he didn't even try to hear me before. I am better off, I think, talking to my friends and sons. At least they pay attention. (or seem to) I feel like I just set myself up when I try to open myself up to my husband. I left him a note and said as much. I don't have the energy for this nonsense. Well, another day almost over. Each one is a challenge and I don't know that I will make it. I don't know how I do. I just keep breathing. Take care everyone.
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I read your journal and remember those days. and i just had to share with you. I am sure your husbands brain is working lie=ke all our bereaved brains. Im sure he is listening but his brain doesnt retain. I know at first when our son died i kept forgetting that he loved him to. I think we get so wrapped up in our pain that the pain is blinding. It will get better but right now you two are really the ones who can help each other heal..You both lost your child. Just keep breathing and talking..Love and hugs to you..sherry
ginger i\'m so sorry you have a bad day.i\'m alot like you .my husband and i seem to be in different stages of our grief. i think mothers take grief differently than fathers.i\'ve really been missing justin i only went to the cematary once this week feel kinda guilty. i\'m like you when i go to the cematary i cry and i\'m so sad. i do too know he\'s not there but it helps me to know i have a place to go to talk to him i feel like he\'s there holding my hand.you know it\'s hard to keep going there\'s days i don\'t want to keep going.i know my family needs me.scott\'s methadone level was high i hate that drug it\'s killing our kids.you just keep breathing that\'s all we can do. take baby steps one day at a time.have a wonerful time at your son\'s party and remember that scott\'s there in spirit watching you and celebarting right along with you all.keep your head up just remember (i know it\'s hard) that scott and justin are in a far better place than we are.jfm24,vicki
When everyone is in so much pain, it is hard to hear one another-it doesn\'t mean that your husband doesn\'t care-keep on talking and try and be patient with one another-it is hard, it really is because the pain is so deep that it lies between the two of you and it is hard to get over-but you can do it. Also remember that we do have symptoms of post traumatic stress-and part of that is that we forget things-our short term memory gets really shot-it is entirely possible that your husband listened, but three hours later simply didn\'t remember it-I have done this to Ed and he has done it to be-we have learned to laugh at it as best we can and not to blame one another or say we weren\'t listening. I can\'t believe the things that I have forgotten and some were literally forgotten within a half hour. It is all just part of this grief process and it will take quite some time for your minds and bodies and spirits to begin to heal. Love, Sandy