Sun., Sept. 23, '07: This has been a really hard week for me! I had a total meltdown today. I was dusting. (1st time since Scott's death June 17, 2007. Yuck!) I know...it's gross. Just didn't seem important. But, there is a line that I just can't cross with dust and I was totally THERE! Anyway, I went into his room. I still don't keep the door open. I just lost it. I hugged his clothes because I can't hug him. I HATE THIS! The past few days have been leading up to my meltdown. No particular reason. I usually visit the cemetery on Fridays. Just couldn't do it this week. I will go tomorrow. I bought a little scarecrow and some fall leaves to make a fall decoration for his grave. Scott loved the fall. His birthday is Oct. 22. Maybe that's why. My oldest son will be 28 on the 26th. His girlfriend is having a surprise party for him. Mostly I don't go to social gatherings anymore. But, this one is not so indimidating as I have known most of these "kids" for many years. In many ways they are like my own. My husband, just now, seems to be grasping the reality of Scott's death. I don't know how to support him. I can barely keep breathing myself. Any suggestions, anyone? My youngest son, 20, finally talked a little about Scott the other night. I have been really worried about him because he just hasn't opened up much. He and Scott were only 19 months apart so they were very close. And, Adam has some learning disability issues so his processing is a bit different. His LD stuff is not severe but it does make things different. I am rambling....don't really care. I just really feel the need to "say" whatever comes to mind. I went to a Compassionate Friends mtg. this week. We had a speaker who has lost a child and just happens to be a psychologist. (Free counseling) He had a handout about grief, etc. I am all over the charts! Some people there were not interested in the info at all because the stuff had not been written by someone who lost a child. That kind of upset me. If he had said it was written by a bereaved parent it would've been gospel. I just don't care for close-minded people of any sort. But, who am I to judge? No one. We all have to find our way in our own way. I just want all the info I can get so I know I am not crazy. Speaking of crazy....I mailed a bill today. Later I opened my checkbook and there was the check to the bill I just mailed! I will call them Monday and let them know I am really ok...just absent-minded.DUH! And what a waste of postage! As I said in my profile, I love to write. I am wondering if I can use some of the things you all say to put into a book? If not, that is ok. I will not divulge names, etc. Just causes of death, treatments, etc. Nothing may ever come of it but I am feeling a need to express. My hope is to get a book out there that is not clinical but "REAL". What do you think? I surely don't want to impose on anyone or make anyone uncomfortable if by chance it would ever be published and you read your own stuff. I am not talking about the really personal stuff. Just the profile kind of stuff. Please let me know. I would NEVER do anything to hurt anyone on this site. (or anyone else) Guess I am about finished for now. WHEW! To everyone, GOD BLESS. I am not "speaking" to him right now but I do still believe. To everyone who reads this.....thank you for your kindness and support.
Replies
those things kind of come on strong. just concentrate on you and your family. forget those that seem to think there are certain guidelines to grief or that what one person says is gosepl. lol even me! i have found for me that even after a year ... it still hurts, i still cry, i still feel the loss of my child. i function in an every day life. is it normal, probably not ... yet it is my normal now. you will find what your normal is and what you will do in this new world we have without our children. it doesn\'t get better ... tolerable? easier? managable? really, not sure if there is a word to describe it. if i can help in any way, please know that i am here. love you, sweetie! ~ charlayne
I honestly thought I was crazy because I had every emotion going at the same time. I didn\'t know what was \"normal\" and what wasn\'t. I had people telling me I should be feeling this and not feeling that. After joining DS I found out that what I was feeling is perfectly ok after losing a child. To the outside world I\'m doing so good but they don\'t see me behind closed doors. I\'m here if you want to talk anytime. Love and hugs to you. Luv Dawn
Your forgetfulness is just part of the package that we carry since our child died-I have thrown bills out-filed something only to forget five minutes later where it was-it is all part of our post traumatic stress syndrome, which my doctor assured me is very real. I think so many want to write things out-I know I\'ve been asked by many of the Moms who all want to write something-I think a good place to start is just start writing about your journey. We are all here for you and we do understand how difficult this all is. Love, Sandy
I feel exactly the same at times. Nothing is real. It comes in waves like a storm at sea. I was angry at God in the very beginning too. I still ask why. I made peace with God and the times I have a meltdown (often) I talk to the Lord. That is the only hope I have. HUGS.....love lucille
Don\'t worry about the dust. I\'m lucky to feed my kids some days on clean dishes. I used to take pride in a clean house but now know that a clean house shouldn\'t have been a priority. I too have a hard time going to my sons room. I enlist the help of family. It\'s almost 4 months and we have most things packed. Not thrown out, just packed so we can walk down the hall and not have to look at a closed door all the time. My third son really wants to move in his room and I want life in there again, not a dark empty room. My first two sons are 15 months apart. My son won\'t express many feelings. When we talk about things for too long (1 minute) he just says \"that\'s enough of that subject\". I guess they deal with things on their own terms. Occasionally I will put an article about grief or loss on his dresser. I usually see it in the garbage but who knows, maybe he reads it. I also comment on other deaths of young people I read or hear about so that he will know that it \"does\" happen to other families. Best of luck with your situation. You\'re book idea sounds terrific. I even had a neighbor ask what is ok to ask and talk about that is comfortable for you. Friends do want to know, they are just scared of hurting us further. Thinking of you. Love Robin
I think the reason that no one has written \"THE BOOK\" on grieving is that we all go through it differently. I was really concerned about my husband and my son and how there were dealing with Jimmy\'s death because they weren\'t expressing anything. I finally pried it out of them that they were expressing it....just not to me. They were trying to protect me from more pain. If we as moms can\'t really understand what we are going through think how difficult it is for someone else to understand it. I agree with what Charlayne said. Don\'t listen to what people say \"should\" be going on....just take it one moment at a time and deal with it however you need to. And remember we are here for you whenever you need us....Rhonda