LET IT GO AND STEP OUT!!!! I don't know if it was a message, I believe it was. I was thinking about why James couldnt just enjoy our lives with our grandchildren., and wether or not he was going to try to wear me down, or wether he was going to allow me to just get over him. "LET IT GO AND STEP OUT" came blaring out of he speaker. I jumped a mile in my seat. True, I had left a Joyce Meyers tape in the cassette, but I had been driving more than 5 miles when it came on. She then pointed out sometimes God asks us to even leave our families in order to move into where he wants us. And how seperation from angry unhealthy people is sometimes what we must do. I cant follow James, when he is trying to lead to the bar. He has no respect for me, no care of my own hurts. These last 2 months are full of examples. When he moved in, I loved my house, I hated it afterwards. He points out everything that is wrong with everything. And yet when I am down, he basically tells me to shut up cause he cant handle it.  He has repeatedly told me he doesnt want to raise more kids. He has repeatedly told me he wishes he hadnt moved back in with me. He claims he was happy in his apartment. I can honestly say I tried to rekindle the relationship. In desperation, I wrote him a letter expressing my desire to have a relationship with him. I truly expresssed myself, and got nothing. This last year with him has not been any better for sure. It seems like he is trying to punish me for the last breakup and/or he really didnt want back in, like he says he didnt. He says he has pretty much held me at arms length for the last year. Well that explains the lack of give a damn for me doesn't it? When we moved back into our house, he got nothing but worse. Stopped helping me at all, claimed I wasnt giving him enough. Yet, when he was at home, he was usually upstairs looking at porn. Refused to help me clean  house, prepare dinner, take any other responsibilities off of me. I get off work, pick up my gs from daycare, go home, clean, cook dinner, clean some more, take care of a toddler, do the laundry, do the shopping. He does nothing to help, and then has the nerve to complain that I'm too busy all the time and that I  won't spend time with him. Just a couple weeks after we moved back into our house, he starts not coming home till late 2-3 times a week. Then that increases to every night. Then Friday he doesn't come home at all until 4AM Saturday????"It's not up for discussion, I'm a grown man, I have no kids to raise, I will do what I want"  OK GET THE #$%^ OUT then! He says he is only happy when he's drinking. DAMN, if you can't be happy with our house and family wthout drinking, then get out and find real happiness, you wont find it in a bottle.  Ok This journal is not part of the LET IT GO AND STEP OUT that I need to be on. It is however, a letter to myself to remind me why I cannot live with that man. Dear self, DONT BE STUPID< YOUVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR A YEAR GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE! DONT GO BACK TO EGYPT< YOU ARE FREE AT LAST!!! God, please help me let go, LET IT GO, and step out. Help me have faith you will be here for me. Bless my gs and my children, and let James find peace somewhere else and without me.and LORD , if you help me pay for a divorce that would be great to.