memories
I hurt. I think also, that I'm becoming destabilized. I cried this AM. I cried because I had a flashback of something I had always thought was a normal adolescent occurence, but a recent event brought it to mind in a new light. And now I am faced with it in a horrible way. The memory of the dojo came back to me. My sensai and I were in the room and he yells at me, "hesitation is death!" and cracks me across the back with a kendo stick(a stick made from stats of weak bamboo, known for it's stinging power more than it's strength, it bends when it hits a target) startling me. "attack her again!"
And my partner's fist flies at me a fifth time. I duck out of the way and start hyperventilating. Not because I don't think I can do ANYTHING, but because I think that no matter what I do, I realize that I cannot please the sensai. First I could not learn it, then I wasn't fast enough, then I got nervous and forgot what I was doing and finally ... the crack across the back, rejection. One wonders how I ever made it from white to black.
And in that memory merged with last night's disaster, I cried.
I remember having so much confidence in myself after having earned that final belt. Not because of the belt, but because I had not only sensei's approval, but the approval of the entire OMAC board. That does something to a person. So when your body breaks down and you lose that, what do you have left to have confidence in? You feel that you have nothing else to teach or offer the world. You know that your mijdn is falling apart and it's out of your control and those out there wither a) don't believe you , b) do understand and run or c) believe you and become you're new sensai, with all the perks that make you remember your old sensai and all the tears that come with it. The question then is, will working with the new one build me up or tear me down? or tear me down to build me up? how will I know? I have to learn a whole new way of being. Not the way I have become over the years in between. Is this new sensai the path? God I hope so. Because I don't have any other people in my life that haven't given up on me already.
And my partner's fist flies at me a fifth time. I duck out of the way and start hyperventilating. Not because I don't think I can do ANYTHING, but because I think that no matter what I do, I realize that I cannot please the sensai. First I could not learn it, then I wasn't fast enough, then I got nervous and forgot what I was doing and finally ... the crack across the back, rejection. One wonders how I ever made it from white to black.
And in that memory merged with last night's disaster, I cried.
I remember having so much confidence in myself after having earned that final belt. Not because of the belt, but because I had not only sensei's approval, but the approval of the entire OMAC board. That does something to a person. So when your body breaks down and you lose that, what do you have left to have confidence in? You feel that you have nothing else to teach or offer the world. You know that your mijdn is falling apart and it's out of your control and those out there wither a) don't believe you , b) do understand and run or c) believe you and become you're new sensai, with all the perks that make you remember your old sensai and all the tears that come with it. The question then is, will working with the new one build me up or tear me down? or tear me down to build me up? how will I know? I have to learn a whole new way of being. Not the way I have become over the years in between. Is this new sensai the path? God I hope so. Because I don't have any other people in my life that haven't given up on me already.
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