Eep...
Dear DS diary,
I'm feeling scared tonight. I just found out that everybody in my immediate family is going to be in the house on Christmas morning...with their spouses or fiances as the case may be. That means there's going to be nine of us in the house.
I have more tools than I've had before thanks to wonderful friends that I've had here, but I still have this weakness with crowds. When there's nine people in the house -- and we're basically going to be in the same room when it's present exchange time -- the place starts to feel like a dinghy. That and...
...I should refresh your memory here. I had a similar situation come up last year, at Thanksgiving time, when there were eight of us in the house, all crammed around the table for Thanksgiving dinner. It didn't sit well on my nerves because I don't feel close to my family -- they never were there when I needed them so many years ago, and that still hurts -- and the result was pretty bad. I couldn't hold a thing in my stomach for a week in the days up to, including, and following Thanksgiving...and I remember pilfering an apple cider drink mix pack that I'm sure was intended for someone else the Saturday after Thanksgiving at work, because my blood sugar was so off. I must have lost a good 8-10 pounds that week, easily, because I was having toilet episodes after every meal; I was that scared.
With this hanging over my head, I fear that there is a very real possibility that this will happen again. The only real mitigator I see is that this is going to be a hectic week at work since we will be shorthanded...but since I now know that the owner of the pharmacy is not planning to hire a replacement for the technician who left a week ago, it could only add to the stress that I'm feeling instead.
I can feel hiding episodes coming on -- the ones that feed on previous addiction issues that still haven't really left me -- and I'm not sure I can stop them. Maybe I shouldn't stop them this coming week.
(PS. I'm doing e-cards tonight and tomorrow, so those of you who want them are going to get them.)
I'm feeling scared tonight. I just found out that everybody in my immediate family is going to be in the house on Christmas morning...with their spouses or fiances as the case may be. That means there's going to be nine of us in the house.
I have more tools than I've had before thanks to wonderful friends that I've had here, but I still have this weakness with crowds. When there's nine people in the house -- and we're basically going to be in the same room when it's present exchange time -- the place starts to feel like a dinghy. That and...
...I should refresh your memory here. I had a similar situation come up last year, at Thanksgiving time, when there were eight of us in the house, all crammed around the table for Thanksgiving dinner. It didn't sit well on my nerves because I don't feel close to my family -- they never were there when I needed them so many years ago, and that still hurts -- and the result was pretty bad. I couldn't hold a thing in my stomach for a week in the days up to, including, and following Thanksgiving...and I remember pilfering an apple cider drink mix pack that I'm sure was intended for someone else the Saturday after Thanksgiving at work, because my blood sugar was so off. I must have lost a good 8-10 pounds that week, easily, because I was having toilet episodes after every meal; I was that scared.
With this hanging over my head, I fear that there is a very real possibility that this will happen again. The only real mitigator I see is that this is going to be a hectic week at work since we will be shorthanded...but since I now know that the owner of the pharmacy is not planning to hire a replacement for the technician who left a week ago, it could only add to the stress that I'm feeling instead.
I can feel hiding episodes coming on -- the ones that feed on previous addiction issues that still haven't really left me -- and I'm not sure I can stop them. Maybe I shouldn't stop them this coming week.
(PS. I'm doing e-cards tonight and tomorrow, so those of you who want them are going to get them.)
Replies
That will be very hard for you I am sure.
But since you know in advance can you plan to use some of the skills you have to try and get a plan as to how to handle it.
I can understand your panic as I was faced with a panic situation this week and I had a VERY HARD time dealing with it.
I just kept breathing and I kept myself busy so I wouldn\'t have time to THINK about it. I took time to take care of myself -- eat drink water have hot baths watch comforting movies. Do the basics and do the things I could control. I did have about 2 min of panic yesterday morning and almost let myself sit and be paralyzed but I just said what can you do -- I got a plan and I did it. It was something I couldn\'t get out of or run from even tho I desperately wanted too I mean desperately. I just kept talking myself through it. I did some meditation listening and I just dealt.
Sometimes we just need to deal and get through it and try to do better than our best.
It can be done I know I proved it yesterday. Just keep on keeping on. As my mom would say.
Miss hearing from you.
I saw this too late, but I really hope all went well/okay on Christmas for you. I hope if you became too overwhelmed you snuck away to your room for a break. I see nothing wrong with it. I had a nap when we celebrated Christmas with my mother because I just couldn\'t take anymore of her.
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))