Dear DS diary,
This is going to be a hard week. Thoughts:
* US Thanksgiving is Thursday this week, and I'll try to celebrate it...but my heart is going to be somewhere else. It's going to be with my friend mystie and her dog Sophie. Sophie is having surgery, one that is very important to her and her owner, and I would so much prefer to be wherever it is in Ontario province (Canada) that they're going to be. She needs all the support she can get.
* I'm going through a very difficult cycle right now. Wish I could go out for my birthday but don't feel anywhere near safe enough to do so, and I'm hiding behind things more as I feel more afraid (in particular, searching for possible gameplays for my YT channel has seen a pretty darn big uptick recently). What really concerns me is that the behavior is nothing new -- this has been going on for years, in various styles -- but outing it is becoming a wild-goose chase, because...
* ...I'm really afraid of my imagination right now; I was taking down the rest of the garden this afternoon and with the way the dried-out tomato stalks were breaking it took no time at all to conjure a mental image of me in riot gear breaking some bones with a billy club. No, none of the few friends I have involved were involved in that image. But I fear it could come back in a dream tonight, and the last thing I need is something to give me the wrong message in a subliminal manner.
* Then there's trying to search for a "real" job. It's been hard with the exposure concerns, but now it's about to get harder. One of my colleagues is leaving the pharmacy in three weeks, and I know darn well with the way the place runs (no benefits to really speak of) it's going to be very hard to replace her. To my eyes, it's just not a good time to think about making any changes even if it would be in the direction of that AS in paralegal studies I finished 18 months ago. And oh yeah, this colleague in question is going to be on holiday in Florida next week (a trip that had been set up months in advance).
Yeah, really feeling in an FML kind of place right now...
This is going to be a hard week. Thoughts:
* US Thanksgiving is Thursday this week, and I'll try to celebrate it...but my heart is going to be somewhere else. It's going to be with my friend mystie and her dog Sophie. Sophie is having surgery, one that is very important to her and her owner, and I would so much prefer to be wherever it is in Ontario province (Canada) that they're going to be. She needs all the support she can get.
* I'm going through a very difficult cycle right now. Wish I could go out for my birthday but don't feel anywhere near safe enough to do so, and I'm hiding behind things more as I feel more afraid (in particular, searching for possible gameplays for my YT channel has seen a pretty darn big uptick recently). What really concerns me is that the behavior is nothing new -- this has been going on for years, in various styles -- but outing it is becoming a wild-goose chase, because...
* ...I'm really afraid of my imagination right now; I was taking down the rest of the garden this afternoon and with the way the dried-out tomato stalks were breaking it took no time at all to conjure a mental image of me in riot gear breaking some bones with a billy club. No, none of the few friends I have involved were involved in that image. But I fear it could come back in a dream tonight, and the last thing I need is something to give me the wrong message in a subliminal manner.
* Then there's trying to search for a "real" job. It's been hard with the exposure concerns, but now it's about to get harder. One of my colleagues is leaving the pharmacy in three weeks, and I know darn well with the way the place runs (no benefits to really speak of) it's going to be very hard to replace her. To my eyes, it's just not a good time to think about making any changes even if it would be in the direction of that AS in paralegal studies I finished 18 months ago. And oh yeah, this colleague in question is going to be on holiday in Florida next week (a trip that had been set up months in advance).
Yeah, really feeling in an FML kind of place right now...
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