Dear DS diary,
I somehow managed to go out for the first time in months the other night, to have a dinner at a tavern/bar in nearby Malden. How I managed to do it, I don't know...probably because for the most part, I kept my mouth shut.
But I have to tell you, it felt like too big a step. It took a lot out of me -- my often-jittery heart seems especially jittery today -- and I really didn't feel safe. I wished I could have had a friend come along, but the number of real friends I have I can count on one hand only (bad), and the FB friend whose Halloween party I took a flyer on has been really quiet of late...I know she works long hours, but when I told her the truth about me feeling effectively paranoid, I never got a response. I'm pretty sure I spooked the (expletive) out of her (worse).
The real friends I have live so far away I'll be lucky if I can ever travel to their locations, never mind meet them face-to-face. :(
As you might expect, this doesn't have me in a good place with a birthday coming up Monday. I haven't been much for birthdays for a while, but this time it feels especially bad because I feel especially lonely. Exposure has been very hard with my increased self-awareness, and I'm finding that it's a lot easier to hide than put up with an outside environment that I no longer trust. Sometimes I can push a little, but most days I can't; I feel like I've become a hermit that can't go out unless I absolutely have to.
This is no way to live for someone like me who would be tickled pink to match his sister's 5K feat from earlier this year, but right now my reality is that I don't want to meet people. My heart is looking for signs that places that I used to go without a second thought are still safe, but those signs are not forthcoming.
The only good I can see at the moment is that the idiots who retriggered me at Easter -- which I am convinced started this downward spiral -- won't be around for Thanksgiving. Maybe this time I can celebrate it without having a week of vomiting around it, as happened last year.
But other than that, I really don't know what else to say. I know I'm sounding like a broken record, but this is how I feel. It hurts. :(
I somehow managed to go out for the first time in months the other night, to have a dinner at a tavern/bar in nearby Malden. How I managed to do it, I don't know...probably because for the most part, I kept my mouth shut.
But I have to tell you, it felt like too big a step. It took a lot out of me -- my often-jittery heart seems especially jittery today -- and I really didn't feel safe. I wished I could have had a friend come along, but the number of real friends I have I can count on one hand only (bad), and the FB friend whose Halloween party I took a flyer on has been really quiet of late...I know she works long hours, but when I told her the truth about me feeling effectively paranoid, I never got a response. I'm pretty sure I spooked the (expletive) out of her (worse).
The real friends I have live so far away I'll be lucky if I can ever travel to their locations, never mind meet them face-to-face. :(
As you might expect, this doesn't have me in a good place with a birthday coming up Monday. I haven't been much for birthdays for a while, but this time it feels especially bad because I feel especially lonely. Exposure has been very hard with my increased self-awareness, and I'm finding that it's a lot easier to hide than put up with an outside environment that I no longer trust. Sometimes I can push a little, but most days I can't; I feel like I've become a hermit that can't go out unless I absolutely have to.
This is no way to live for someone like me who would be tickled pink to match his sister's 5K feat from earlier this year, but right now my reality is that I don't want to meet people. My heart is looking for signs that places that I used to go without a second thought are still safe, but those signs are not forthcoming.
The only good I can see at the moment is that the idiots who retriggered me at Easter -- which I am convinced started this downward spiral -- won't be around for Thanksgiving. Maybe this time I can celebrate it without having a week of vomiting around it, as happened last year.
But other than that, I really don't know what else to say. I know I'm sounding like a broken record, but this is how I feel. It hurts. :(
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