Dear DS diary,
I only have two things I want to mention today, and both of them point to just how unsafe and suspicious of others I feel right now. This is where having to wait another 2 months to see my 5th pdoc in just over a year is a serious liability, because I'm really afraid that one of the rampage dreams I've been having recently will be brought to life before too long:
* One of my siblings, who is going to be at the Macy's parade on Thanksgiving (and so not at my place), came over today for an afternoon visit. He tried to ask how things were going. I basically told him to put a sock in it...not in those words, and not in R-rated terms, either, but I still want him kept in the dark. I'll probably never forgive him for the retrigger he caused at Easter, seeing as how I've never forgiven others responsible for similar or worse scars.
* Before he showed up, my parents had another commitment somewhere -- something about a holiday festival -- so that would and should have been a chance to go somewhere that has been consistently safe solo (my hometown has a drug problem, but you have to get close to the high school to see most of that, and most of my walks don't go that way). That didn't happen...instead I went straight back to bed and stayed there for the better part of 90 minutes. If that doesn't tell you how far I've have emotionally fallen since my ESP Ottawa nightmare, I really don't know how else I can put it.
I only have two things I want to mention today, and both of them point to just how unsafe and suspicious of others I feel right now. This is where having to wait another 2 months to see my 5th pdoc in just over a year is a serious liability, because I'm really afraid that one of the rampage dreams I've been having recently will be brought to life before too long:
* One of my siblings, who is going to be at the Macy's parade on Thanksgiving (and so not at my place), came over today for an afternoon visit. He tried to ask how things were going. I basically told him to put a sock in it...not in those words, and not in R-rated terms, either, but I still want him kept in the dark. I'll probably never forgive him for the retrigger he caused at Easter, seeing as how I've never forgiven others responsible for similar or worse scars.
* Before he showed up, my parents had another commitment somewhere -- something about a holiday festival -- so that would and should have been a chance to go somewhere that has been consistently safe solo (my hometown has a drug problem, but you have to get close to the high school to see most of that, and most of my walks don't go that way). That didn't happen...instead I went straight back to bed and stayed there for the better part of 90 minutes. If that doesn't tell you how far I've have emotionally fallen since my ESP Ottawa nightmare, I really don't know how else I can put it.
Replies
I am so sorry you are struggling so much with getting out. I understand the dangers myself. Seems our world is just getting more messed up. I\'m glad you told your sibling to put a sock in it. People always want to tell others what they should be doing. Well unless they\'ve walked a mile in our shoes they have no freaking clue. My mom does the same BS with me. I even asked her to read a overview of symptoms of fibro and she just snapped that she\'s read enough about it to know I should be doing more. WTF???? Her telling me what I should do with a disorder she truly is clueless about. She thinks fixing my diet will cure me....hello info says there is no cure. So I can totally understanding telling a family member off. I just wish you didn\'t have such a fear of going out. We live right beside a high school and I think they all have drugs. This one certainly does. I\'m am also sorry you have to wait so long for your pdoc. That just seems like a crime in itself.
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you mystie, this merry-go-round I\'ve been having with pdocs does feel criminal and I really feel that it\'s hurting my progress as far as healing my wounds is concerned... :(