Dear DS diary,
Yesterday I tried to take my very freaky all-seeing-eye nightmare to my therapist and try to make it into a coherent thought so I could work through it.
I couldn't. I couldn't find the words I wanted to say to work through it. :( Given how things are going with him, it was probably just as well.
Because it's been the same result with all my other nightmares.
Partly as a result of that, I am in a very bad place today. One of my FB friends -- one I don't get to hear from much -- is having her Halloween party tonight. Since nobody is going over to my place tonight, it would have been a perfect chance to at least say hi because she lives just on the other side of town and I could get transport if I wanted it.
But I feel so unsafe -- even going on my walks is a struggle these days -- that I can't. Her best friend thinks I would have been in over my head anyway and that a smaller occasion would have been better for me, but this doesn't lessen the pain any.
Honestly, it has me worried about Thanksgiving. Because last year, I had anxiety like I had never felt because there were going to be eight people in the house...but no friends. It triggered an entire week of vomiting; I couldn't keep a thing in my stomach...and yes, that included Thanksgiving dinner.
With where I am right now, I am very worried that this will happen again...especially now that some of the people I'm expecting to have to deal with know that they're permanently on my bad side for causing pile-on retriggers.
Yesterday I tried to take my very freaky all-seeing-eye nightmare to my therapist and try to make it into a coherent thought so I could work through it.
I couldn't. I couldn't find the words I wanted to say to work through it. :( Given how things are going with him, it was probably just as well.
Because it's been the same result with all my other nightmares.
Partly as a result of that, I am in a very bad place today. One of my FB friends -- one I don't get to hear from much -- is having her Halloween party tonight. Since nobody is going over to my place tonight, it would have been a perfect chance to at least say hi because she lives just on the other side of town and I could get transport if I wanted it.
But I feel so unsafe -- even going on my walks is a struggle these days -- that I can't. Her best friend thinks I would have been in over my head anyway and that a smaller occasion would have been better for me, but this doesn't lessen the pain any.
Honestly, it has me worried about Thanksgiving. Because last year, I had anxiety like I had never felt because there were going to be eight people in the house...but no friends. It triggered an entire week of vomiting; I couldn't keep a thing in my stomach...and yes, that included Thanksgiving dinner.
With where I am right now, I am very worried that this will happen again...especially now that some of the people I'm expecting to have to deal with know that they're permanently on my bad side for causing pile-on retriggers.
Replies
I\'m so sorry to hear you have such difficulty verbalizing what happens to you with these fears/nightmares. Any chance you could put them down in a WORD program and take them in for your therp to read? Maybe, if that was something you wanted to do, it would help him understand what you have such difficulty describing.
Is there any way you could go to your friend\'s party and just stay for a short period of time...15-30 min. Long enough to say hello to the folks there and then go back home? You could truthfully say you are feeling under the weather and that\'s why you can\'t stay longer? Deciding how long YOU think you could stay ahead of time might give you enough courage to go after all.
You don\'t need me to tell you to try not to go 3 weeks into the future. Try to keep the focus on your routine daily activities for now and then, the week before, consider if you could just visit before/after the meal and discreetly excuse yourself and go back to your room? You could just say something to the effect that you\'re feeling very tired and just not up to visiting. That way, you did make an appearance and it really doesn\'t matter if they like it if you didn\'t stick around any longer. You would know you gave it your best shot and that\'s all that matters. That\'s only a suggestion though, only you know if you could do that or not.
I have major anxiety issues with both holiday dinners even though they are my son\'s. Nothing awful has ever happened there, I just can\'t handle being around people anymore. I got out of it last yr. but don\'t see that happening this year.
My spouse goes up to his family for those two holidays and my son doesn\'t like me being here alone I appreciate his concern but dearly wish I could explain what it\'s like for me to be there. I don\'t understand it myself so I can\'t very well explain it to him.
I only mention this to you in order to let you know you are not alone with these holiday fears/anxiety.
I suspect if there were a way to look into it, there is a huge number of people like us that just can\'t handle gatherings like that. Unless we know someone else, it\'s too easy to think we are the only ones:(:(
For now, just try to keep the focus on what you can do rather on what might happen.....
((((((((((((((very gentle hugs))))))))))))))
I am so sorry you are having so many anxieties and worries. It is sometimes hard to find the right words for the therapist. Maybe like Marcie suggested write them down and maybe that would help a little. I am a worrier too and it creates huge anxiety and panic attacks. I also can understand about Thanksgiving. Hard to be around a lot of people and especially people who trigger you. I hate to say it but maybe you could just stay in your room for a better part of the day. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to be around certain people. Heck I\'ve cut certain people out of my life completely that were mean and triggering for me. I wish there was an easy way around it. Please don\'t give up on your walks. You\'ve been doing so great!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))