I didn't have to worry about going out to that restaurant. My parents had celebrated their anniversary at a different restaurant earlier in the week and mother didn't want to go twice in a week. For me this was okay, because if they had gone and tagged me along all three of us would have regretted it; them for taking me and me for going out when I'm clearly in a place where I have no self-control.
We did go candlepin bowling, but I wished I had body armor the entire time. I couldn't target my balls, couldn't focus...all I wanted was out. This is where I feel distraught that I'm getting nowhere with my therapist, because the only times I feel safe are when the few friends I have are physically present with me, which is extremely rare because one of my best ones that lives just on the other side of town is working 12 hour days...sorry, not making that up. In every other circumstance, I'm wishing I had a gun or some kind of armor.
I don't like being a loner. But it's looking like I'm going to have to accept that I feel safer when I am, even if that means barely socializing at all. So much for working towards that particular goal with my life coach.
We did go candlepin bowling, but I wished I had body armor the entire time. I couldn't target my balls, couldn't focus...all I wanted was out. This is where I feel distraught that I'm getting nowhere with my therapist, because the only times I feel safe are when the few friends I have are physically present with me, which is extremely rare because one of my best ones that lives just on the other side of town is working 12 hour days...sorry, not making that up. In every other circumstance, I'm wishing I had a gun or some kind of armor.
I don't like being a loner. But it's looking like I'm going to have to accept that I feel safer when I am, even if that means barely socializing at all. So much for working towards that particular goal with my life coach.
Replies
Since you aren\'t making any progress with your current therapist, perhaps you should see a new one? You need to be able to go out and enjoy life. Is your medication helping you at all?
Have you tried meditating? Meditation is proven to improve mood and focus.
Meggie, implicity, is hitting the nail right on the head: If I can\'t go anywhere and feel even a least a little safe in so doing, there is no reason to think that I will feel any better in a different work environment...which will detrimental effects that I don\'t think I need to explain, words can\'t describe how hard it is to focus when I feel I always have to be watching my back, or else.
No, the meds aren\'t helping. I\'ve given up on them, actually. Up the creek on that front because my pdoc has left the practice and I won\'t see a replacement before this year is over. Not good. Will have trouble switching therapists for the same reason. Starting to feel like I need to have the few friends I have take over on this.
You need medication. Work with a psychiatrist regularly. Don\'t give up yet. Try a new therapist. I know you\'ve said you feel more comfortable around females than guys. Maybe try to find someone that practices dialectical behavioral therapy.
http://locator.apa.org/index.cfm?event=search.text&id=
I am really glad you overcame your fear and went bowling. Even though you felt worried the whole time the good thing is you did it you were safe. Maybe like meggielizzie says, try a new therapist and don\'t give up on meds yet. It can take a long time to find a med that works. Maybe a different class of meds might help. Why does it take so long to get a new pdoc? can you go somewhere else? I wish you could get the help you need now!! I feel so bad and sad for what you are going through. It is really hard. DBT is a good place to start and you can buy books or find places online to work through it.
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))
This site looks like a good overview for DBT
https://docs.google.com/file/d/1cyanUui4ZlpL0suxvBoGhgsBQwM5aAsHXKl4U2vdQ7eRPMqcwe-jPuTxqgl2/edit?pli=1#
Please acknowledge to yourself that you succeeded in going bowling in spite of the fears and you did stay safe....you could have opted not to but you didn\'t...you went ahead and did it. That to me, is testimony to how strong you really are. I hope reflecting on your success in being safe doing that will help you in some other activity you would like to try.
Perhaps, since you were able to go bowling and were safe, you could do that again, remembering you were safe and it could be the first stepping stone up to being able to do other things in other environments.
I don\'t know why it will take so long to get a new pdoc though. Could your old one not have set you up with a new one prior to his leaving?
Switching to a new therapist is always a challenge but if you feel you\'re going nowhere with your current one, it really is time to look elsewhere.
Changes like this are never easy but staying \"stagnant\" and not going anywhere is really worse.
As mystie had said, perhaps a change in meds would be of help to you as well. Is there any way you could get an appt. sooner than it seems at this point?
I\'m so sorry your fears are controlling so many aspects of your day to day life.
You don\'t have to be resigned to this lifestyle, you still have options you can explore at your own pace. The important thing is not to give up!!!
Baby steps are perfectly fine if that\'s the best you can do at the moment...\" a journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step\".
I dearly wish you could see the strong person that I do in the midst of your fears....you\'re still accomplishing a lot, to include but not limited to, holding down a job.
(((((((((((((((HUGS & HOPE))))))))))))))))