(sigh)...
Dear DS diary,
Today has really not done me any favors with regards to how I feel about myself.
The owner of the pharmacy needed to run an errand this morning -- one that was suspect, I must add -- and there wasn't anyone else to help cover my side, so guess who had to answer the phones for about 90 minutes while doing his other routine Friday stuff? Yeah, that would be me. Normally, I'd have a little better than a 50-50 shot of managing this okay because I do have an idea of when to call for help from the other side of the pharmacy, but recurring nightmares last night, courtesy of my latest retrigger (see previous journal entry) ruined my night's sleep...and I wasn't thinking very straight as a result.
Sparing you the details, it wasn't too long before I basically felt overwhelmed and cracked an egg. No on the spot nervous breakdown, but I swear my mental function deteriorated for an hour before the owner finally showed up to bail me out. I didn't say anything, I knew I couldn't. But I also knew that the damage had been done because it piled onto last night.
I tried to talk about this with my therapist, but we didn't get far. The best I could do was make a connection between the stabbing retrigger and other retriggers that I just can't fight off cleanly because they've taken places that I thought were safe and made them not so safe anymore. The only thing that went well is that I did concede that I feel vulnerable, still...and that I've been in denial about how I've really felt about 9/11 for longer than I want to publicly admit.
My parents have an open night tomorrow night, so they already have a proposal: They'd like to go candlepin bowling, and then try to get a bite to eat afterwards. I wouldn't mind the bowling part, but I have a serious problem with the restaurant: Right now, I just feel so bad about my inability to separate myself from my scars that I've been exhibiting a lot of running behaviors -- I just longplayed two Atari 2600 games when I should have been checking my LinkedIn connections -- and my self-control is nowhere to be found. I have been emotionally eating a lot in particular, and I know if I go to the restaurant I will very likely eat myself sick.
I really want to tell my parents that I can only meet them halfway, and that this time it really has nothing to do with the fact that they're both overweight...but I really don't know how they're going to take that. All I know is that I am feeling very discouraged...
...I shouldn't be saying this, but I need a hug. :'(
Today has really not done me any favors with regards to how I feel about myself.
The owner of the pharmacy needed to run an errand this morning -- one that was suspect, I must add -- and there wasn't anyone else to help cover my side, so guess who had to answer the phones for about 90 minutes while doing his other routine Friday stuff? Yeah, that would be me. Normally, I'd have a little better than a 50-50 shot of managing this okay because I do have an idea of when to call for help from the other side of the pharmacy, but recurring nightmares last night, courtesy of my latest retrigger (see previous journal entry) ruined my night's sleep...and I wasn't thinking very straight as a result.
Sparing you the details, it wasn't too long before I basically felt overwhelmed and cracked an egg. No on the spot nervous breakdown, but I swear my mental function deteriorated for an hour before the owner finally showed up to bail me out. I didn't say anything, I knew I couldn't. But I also knew that the damage had been done because it piled onto last night.
I tried to talk about this with my therapist, but we didn't get far. The best I could do was make a connection between the stabbing retrigger and other retriggers that I just can't fight off cleanly because they've taken places that I thought were safe and made them not so safe anymore. The only thing that went well is that I did concede that I feel vulnerable, still...and that I've been in denial about how I've really felt about 9/11 for longer than I want to publicly admit.
My parents have an open night tomorrow night, so they already have a proposal: They'd like to go candlepin bowling, and then try to get a bite to eat afterwards. I wouldn't mind the bowling part, but I have a serious problem with the restaurant: Right now, I just feel so bad about my inability to separate myself from my scars that I've been exhibiting a lot of running behaviors -- I just longplayed two Atari 2600 games when I should have been checking my LinkedIn connections -- and my self-control is nowhere to be found. I have been emotionally eating a lot in particular, and I know if I go to the restaurant I will very likely eat myself sick.
I really want to tell my parents that I can only meet them halfway, and that this time it really has nothing to do with the fact that they're both overweight...but I really don't know how they're going to take that. All I know is that I am feeling very discouraged...
...I shouldn't be saying this, but I need a hug. :'(
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