Dear DS diary,
It's no wonder that my therapist is not getting far with respects to me working through my emotional blocks regarding safety; it is not taking much for my fears to be amplified.
There's really no way for me to avoid listening to the news on the radio in the morning, my parents like to have it on while they have their breakfast.  This I can understand because we usually don't have much to say to each other.  But sometimes I wish I don't hear it.  Today the case in point was the story of two park rangers being stabbed on Boston Common by a homeless man yesterday.
Has anyone ever been to Boston Common?  It's right near the heart of the city, and the foot traffic at seemingly all daytime hours renders it one of the safer spots in the city.
And yet...ugh, it bugs to me to bits that these things are just piling on.  I swear, every time one of these stories breaks, making a place that I thought was safe feel not so safe anymore, I want to go out socially less and less.  I think I am now at the point where for social occasions I will need to consider investing in full-suit body armor before I'll feel safe again. :(
I really think it's time for me to concede that from a social capacity standpoint, I'm pretty much going to settle for what journalists would call "poor copy", which basically means that I show a preference for shying away and choosing my company.  I'm finding this hard to accept, because I can't think of anyone I know who is like this.
Then at work, there was some conversation about zombies -- I don't remember the details, but I guess it's one of those things where some people like zombies, a select few are supposed to "fight" them and protect still others who are acting as innocents, events no doubt inspired by The Walking Dead, a series I refuse to watch under any circumstances -- that made me feel even more uncomfortable.  I eventually had to hide in the pharmacy basement for several minutes.  I didn't come back up until they shut up about that topic.
(sigh) I feel...(sniff)...I mean, I don't like, the few times I go out for pleasure anymore, to be only thinking of me and my safety, which is affecting my behavior accordingly because I get disgusted at the habits of other people, or signs that they are clearly trusting too much, etc.  But I'm feeling like I have no choice now, because like clockwork, the few baby steps I manage to gain quickly get erased by something that's reinforcing my fears, and it just feels like every time that happens I'm taking the equivalent of a net loss.
:'(