This is mostly for MeggieLizzie because I promised her I'd journal tonight:
I'm getting VERY frustrated with the lack of support my parents are giving. It's no secret now that I really don't bother to tell them much and this is one example why.
My belt, comparatively speaking, is loaded. The Android that I have is a little bigger than the phone that I used to have, and I have what amounts to a device for an ongoing research project (I am saying no more about the latter device so do not bother asking). For the record, they're both on the same side of said belt.
My dad took a look at me this morning as I was about to head for work, and he tried to joke with me, saying, "It's a good thing you don't have a gun, because I don't know where you would put it."
Fair enough. But both of my parents know about how badly I feel haunted by my high school scars. The truth of the matter is that right now, if I actually did have one...erm...this is going to sound disturbing, but honesty prohibits me from putting this any other way:
If I did have a gun -- and this is one reason why I will never let myself get one -- and I noticed one of the people from HS who I blame for scarring me for life, I would almost certainly shoot them on sight. I'd be in prison for the rest of my life -- that's why you'll never see me with a gun -- but since I can't get my memory wiped out by legal means, that seems to be about the only idea out there that would bring me any peace.
So I said in all seriousness that if I did have a gun, I would not be afraid to use it on certain people (not my parents). If either of my parents had any brains, they would have heard the alarm bells go off in their heads instantly. Instead, it went right over their heads...I only got a response that it was an odd answer from me, my parents oblivious, through their persistent ignorance, of just how bad the anger inside me runs.
Knowing that my scar-causers (yes, I know that's not English) are probably different now and being able to forgive them are two different things...and as I conceded to my life coach today, since I can't trust anyone anymore largely because of them, forgiveness doesn't run in my blood.
I'm not surprised, then, that my side job as a Beachbody coach hasn't gone anywhere, neither am I surprised that my search for a "real" day job is also stuck spinning its wheels. When you're forced to go online to get the support and advice you need, you're not in a good place because it depends on the few friends you have being online when you need them...and that means rolling snake eyes more often than not. :(
I'm getting VERY frustrated with the lack of support my parents are giving. It's no secret now that I really don't bother to tell them much and this is one example why.
My belt, comparatively speaking, is loaded. The Android that I have is a little bigger than the phone that I used to have, and I have what amounts to a device for an ongoing research project (I am saying no more about the latter device so do not bother asking). For the record, they're both on the same side of said belt.
My dad took a look at me this morning as I was about to head for work, and he tried to joke with me, saying, "It's a good thing you don't have a gun, because I don't know where you would put it."
Fair enough. But both of my parents know about how badly I feel haunted by my high school scars. The truth of the matter is that right now, if I actually did have one...erm...this is going to sound disturbing, but honesty prohibits me from putting this any other way:
If I did have a gun -- and this is one reason why I will never let myself get one -- and I noticed one of the people from HS who I blame for scarring me for life, I would almost certainly shoot them on sight. I'd be in prison for the rest of my life -- that's why you'll never see me with a gun -- but since I can't get my memory wiped out by legal means, that seems to be about the only idea out there that would bring me any peace.
So I said in all seriousness that if I did have a gun, I would not be afraid to use it on certain people (not my parents). If either of my parents had any brains, they would have heard the alarm bells go off in their heads instantly. Instead, it went right over their heads...I only got a response that it was an odd answer from me, my parents oblivious, through their persistent ignorance, of just how bad the anger inside me runs.
Knowing that my scar-causers (yes, I know that's not English) are probably different now and being able to forgive them are two different things...and as I conceded to my life coach today, since I can't trust anyone anymore largely because of them, forgiveness doesn't run in my blood.
I'm not surprised, then, that my side job as a Beachbody coach hasn't gone anywhere, neither am I surprised that my search for a "real" day job is also stuck spinning its wheels. When you're forced to go online to get the support and advice you need, you're not in a good place because it depends on the few friends you have being online when you need them...and that means rolling snake eyes more often than not. :(
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