Ugh...

Dear DS diary,
Ugh, it's just occured to me that it's easily been a week and a half -- maybe a little longer -- since I've actually been on here.
It might be just as well, because not much has changed.  In fact you could argue that little has happened to the good.
The good is that I'm doing a challenge in my group on Facebook where I'm logging the mPoints (it's a loyalty program at heart) achievement points I earn through an app called Nexercise through the middle of next month, which will become a donation to charity at the end.  I've been trying to get the rest of my small group involved with no success, which is not bothering me because I am going ahead with it anyway.  In fact I may well do it again.  The only thing disappointing me is that I have 4 times the mPoints in tow than I have in my earned-for-donation bank at the moment, and expanding my group is not coming easy because talking to random people, even over a Facebook game, doesn't come easy and usually doesn't happen at all.
This is because I can't go through a day without my guard up virtually all the time now.  I tried to work on this with my life coach this week, hoping I could reach out to a partner in my previous career who I had to contact about something completely different about three months ago.  We're trying to locate references together.
This ended badly...I've already burned that bridge behind me, and I literally could not pick up the phone without being consumed by internal anger.  I never was able to forgive the partners or the senior staff for what I viewed as an act of betrayal when I was promised that there would be no incidents at my first holiday party, only to learn that one of the senior staff got drunk as a skunk, which led to an incident on the floor of the place where the party was being held.  This was further reinforced when I caught the partners drinking while we were still open to the public during the peak season.
As I conceded to my therapist the other day, realizing that people -- specifically ones from high school -- have likely changed since the days that have scarred me for life and being able to forgive them are two different things.  And since the feeling, which is now a belief, that people are not to be trusted has festered long enough to become permanent, the day that I will see the latter will likely never come, something I did not mention but should have because it's true (yes, I realize that's a self-fulfilling prophecy right there, but I have reached the realization that in some areas I cannot be helped and this is one of them). 
This showed a few hours ago.  A FB friend who I thought was safe let slip that she was involved in a prank that involved dumping bitten plastic caps over the rail one day in HS.  I never saw this one, but it took no time at all to make her guilty by association...and in my heart I knew no explanation out of her mouth was going to be good enough.  So while I decided to keep her in my group because my occasional videos are helping her (apparently), I felt no choice but to unfriend her quietly.
This is revealing a pretty serious problem, because I now understand that with an inability to trust, an inability to listen seriously to people who I inherently don't trust has come along with it.  Fixing the former will never happen and I know it, but I still need to do something about the latter...problem is, it looks like it's going to require bait -- some kind of reward, basically -- to make that happen, and knowing my addiction issues that will almost certainly lead to a slippery slope because I only need one moment where my self-control feels weak to send that idea crashing downhill.
I realize this is a very long-winded way of saying things, but what this translates to is that I'm in a terrible place as it stands right now.