Dear DS diary,
There was a carjacking late last week in Revere that ended up with a 15-year-old (?) being interviewed at length by police practically across the street from my day job. This led to police cruisers all over the place, reverse 911 calls telling us not to go outdoors because the crooks were presumed armed and dangerous, and a weird scene where I was the only one getting any semblance of work done...despite my gut fluttering everywhere because I a) felt like I was in danger once word of what was happening went through, and b) this hits way, way too close to home.
Eventually we got the all clear, but as near as I can tell the carjackers got away clean...so I ended up with another trigger to go on top of who knows how many others to reinforce that I will likely never feel safe again.
The only places I can go now without fear are here, to Facebook, and to work. That's it. I can't go anywhere alone anymore unless I absolutely have to.
So I shouldn't have been surprised when this happened: Today my sister had invited me and my parents to go to Kimball Farms -- not that far from her home in Dracut -- for a round of mini-putt. Lunch was to follow. I don't get along well with anyone in my family because they've never been there for me, but I can still use them as bodyguards -- the only way I can let myself travel with them -- so this should have a chance, right?
Nope. I've never been to Kimball Farms, nor to the place where we were going to have lunch. It takes a lot of energy for me to actually go through one place I've never been; going through two back-to-back is for me impossible. Plus the carjacking is still in my mind -- and there to likely forever stay because nothing which reinforces that I can't be safe anywhere has left me -- and Kimball Farms is a popular place. Put that together, and all I could say was everybody else coming for my head.
Needless to say, I was wasting my time researching both places, so it wasn't long before I gave up and basically had a Facebook orgy.
Appropriate nightmares followed, so this morning I cut the suspense out of it immediately and told my parents to go without me, which they did (they left about 30 minutes ago as I type this). I felt bad doing that, I know she's going to be disappointed. But the only thing that would have saved this is having one of my few Facebook friends along for the trip, for safety and comfort, and since they all have day jobs better than mine that was impossible, too...there was no point in asking, so I didn't bother to try.
This is what happens when you are scarred for life, knowing you will never be able to trust or feel safe again.
There was a carjacking late last week in Revere that ended up with a 15-year-old (?) being interviewed at length by police practically across the street from my day job. This led to police cruisers all over the place, reverse 911 calls telling us not to go outdoors because the crooks were presumed armed and dangerous, and a weird scene where I was the only one getting any semblance of work done...despite my gut fluttering everywhere because I a) felt like I was in danger once word of what was happening went through, and b) this hits way, way too close to home.
Eventually we got the all clear, but as near as I can tell the carjackers got away clean...so I ended up with another trigger to go on top of who knows how many others to reinforce that I will likely never feel safe again.
The only places I can go now without fear are here, to Facebook, and to work. That's it. I can't go anywhere alone anymore unless I absolutely have to.
So I shouldn't have been surprised when this happened: Today my sister had invited me and my parents to go to Kimball Farms -- not that far from her home in Dracut -- for a round of mini-putt. Lunch was to follow. I don't get along well with anyone in my family because they've never been there for me, but I can still use them as bodyguards -- the only way I can let myself travel with them -- so this should have a chance, right?
Nope. I've never been to Kimball Farms, nor to the place where we were going to have lunch. It takes a lot of energy for me to actually go through one place I've never been; going through two back-to-back is for me impossible. Plus the carjacking is still in my mind -- and there to likely forever stay because nothing which reinforces that I can't be safe anywhere has left me -- and Kimball Farms is a popular place. Put that together, and all I could say was everybody else coming for my head.
Needless to say, I was wasting my time researching both places, so it wasn't long before I gave up and basically had a Facebook orgy.
Appropriate nightmares followed, so this morning I cut the suspense out of it immediately and told my parents to go without me, which they did (they left about 30 minutes ago as I type this). I felt bad doing that, I know she's going to be disappointed. But the only thing that would have saved this is having one of my few Facebook friends along for the trip, for safety and comfort, and since they all have day jobs better than mine that was impossible, too...there was no point in asking, so I didn't bother to try.
This is what happens when you are scarred for life, knowing you will never be able to trust or feel safe again.
Replies
What originally happened to make you feel this way? The trust issues? Feeling that people are out to harm you? This is something you need to work on in therapy because you can\'t continue to live your life in fear.
It\'s complicated, Meggie...longer than I can say in one comment on a journal. I want to read your journal a little later today anyway and tell you a little bit about the kind of shake that I use, so I will pm you before this day is over.
My dear friend, it kind of sounds like your fears are getting the best of you and are limiting even more your ability to be out and functioning in the real world. That carjacking so close to home would have been nerve-wracking for anyone but at least the police did notify people about what was going on.
Once the danger had passed, folks were again safe. Those are fairly isolated incidents in the big picture and granted, they can/do happen anywhere/everywhere, yet, we can\'t live in a \"bubble\" the rest of our lives because of fear.
I hope you will be able to work with your therp and if necessary get on meds temporarily to get you calmed down enough to start taking baby steps away from this severe level of fear that has you essentially \"trapped\".
You are a wonderful young man and I hope with all my heart, you will explore every possible venue to help you begin to be able to live your life with less of this chronic fear. You have a lot to give to this world but so long as you keep yourself \"locked up\" so to speak, so many will be deprived of your kindness and compassion. Yes, there will always be less than kind people in the world. As I\'ve told you, for me, trust is something that is earned, not freely given. Again, I hope you will be able to start taking baby steps to meeting people on \"neutral ground\" and building slowly from there.
You could be \"acquaintances\" at the beginning and if a friendship developed over time, good, if it doesn\'t evolve into friendship, it\'s still good to have acquaintances in your life. I share different parts of myself with those I consider acquaintances from those I perceive as friends. I think most other people do the same but that\'s just a guess on my part.
Sending you hope of peace and comfort in your life...
((((((((((gentle hugs))))))))
It\'s not looking good on that front, Marcie...
There\'s always a good chance this will be temporary.
You already accomplished and overcome so much,
The only way left to go now is UP.
Please don\'t give up on yourself. A new day always starts after a dark, cold night.
(((((gentle hugs)))))
I usually attribute what happens to you as a by product of your past experiences, knowing how traumatic they were. But just curious have you ever talked to your therapist about agoraphobia?
The systems as you described them in your journal sound just like me.