Dear DS diary,
There are times when it's necessary to take a step back.  This weekend is one of those times, with the way things have been going lately.  It really has been a drag.
Yesterday at therapy, I just had a complete breakdown in front of my therapist.  I was crying for a large chunk of the session, and it was difficult for me to talk.  We were talking about whether I really felt any connection with family, and...since I had to be honest...
...really, I don't.  Parents are both clueless and won't listen when I drop clues that something is going wrong.  Other siblings live far away now (to me it's far away because I don't drive).  Haven't talked to oldest brother in any form since the bunny costume incident and don't care if I only have minimal contact with him again.
It also came out that with new people, I'm not seeing them as who they are.  An image of one of the bullies I had to deal with in high school comes up instead.  This is why I don't feel safe with new people and new surroundings.  The only reason why my in-person meeting Asperger's Association of New England has any chance at all of coming off cleanly on Thursday is that I have a mugshot of the person I'll be talking to.  If I didn't have that, the whole thing would be doomed before it even started, and even then I really doubt I'll be comfortable.  No clue how to deal with this long term because those bad images in question have lingered as long as the memories and aren't going away anytime soon, I fear.
It's basically like I feel unwanted and unloved...does this make sense to anyone?
On another front: Accepted my boss's suggestion and took the day off from work.  Basically spent the day resting.  Still don't quite feel right, so tomorrow I'm going to try to get any yard work that needs to be done cleared off early (it's supposed to be humid anyway) so I can slow roll it in and be ready for Monday.
At the moment, my revamped workout plans (and by extension what I planned to do on FB) are in tatters, but they will come back; I have much more patience than my crabby parents (who go out of their way to bitch about things, by the way).  The isochronic tones Meggie suggested to me are working (thank you Meggie!), and one of the few HS alumni I still want to associate with also suggested visualizing silly things that are harmless but make no sense, like hippos wearing nail polish.  This also came in handy last night, and I did sleep much better.  So that much is good.