Dear DS diary,
As I am typing this, I am still feeling effectively crushed by having to wait six months to get into the Mass General center that I was hoping I was going to get into much sooner than this.  I basically needed help two months ago, instead of waiting for it now.  Trying to find ways to short-circuit the wait has so far produced nothing helpful.
A smart friend of mine admitted to me that I'm probably going to have to find ways to help myself right now.  I won't argue that she is correct, but I really just don't know how to do it or what it is going to take to make it happen.  It is just taking so little for me to be dragged back down into the depths and last night an early nightmare forced me to wait for the seroquel dose to effectively make me pass out before I could sleep.  It's starting to affect my work, too, sparing everyone the details today's shift did not go well and I should have honestly gone home early.
I got an extra panic earlier this week when the contractor came fixing to finish the porch project he started last Thursday, only to find that he had the wrong pieces of wood for the job.  He hoped to be back today, but that did not happen, so while that situation is out of my hands the fact that I cannot control my anxieties right now means the uncertainty of when he'll be back is causing me additional grief.  My mother doesn't understand that I hate the idea of handcuffing my dad to put the access I need to the garage through him every time that I need it until this work is finished, so I'm hoping against hope that tomorrow is the day.
But the days are only getting harder, and it seems that my defenses are getting weaker.  My spirit is breaking.