Dear DS diary,
Today, it just feels like my heart is in a very bad place...again.
I had another breakdown -- I was due for one -- at work.  I managed to slip into the bathroom and allow it to take place.  It only lasted five minutes, nobody noticed.  But I'm disheartened by the increasing frequency of these things.
Now that my defenses have failed me as far as posting gameplay videos on Youtube is concerned, I caught myself last night fiddling around with the recording and playback settings on Hypercam.  That was good for an hour or so...and since it feels like I'm on a full-fledged run right now I am very scared about the implications of this.
Felt like I caught a huge break when I found out that the family summer birthday party -- we're just doing my mother's and my sister's on one night because they're so close together -- is being held at my house rather than somewhere else.  That affords me chances to hide for a few minutes at a time when I need to.  I didn't have the heart to tell my parents that I want it this way; if we were at a restaurant, I would crumble.  It's just a given.
Thursday I see my primary again.  If a med adjustment for this level of anxiety and need to run that I have doesn't come out of this...
....I really don't know what I'd do if that happened.  But the doc is quack enough that it's a possibility.  And it's scary.