Dear DS diary,
As my anxiety episodes are getting worse, the hiding episodes are now getting worse, too.
Retro Uprising, a site that lets you play old video games from the '80s and '90s from a variety of platforms, has been a particularly popular hiding place of late. And I seem to be self-creating some additional trouble for myself in breaking this latest problem. In particular the Mega Drive (Genesis) version of Turbo Outrun has been a popular target. I've been pushing the score to beat higher and higher the last few months, and tonight I finally together a real run and broke 27 million points with a full clear, which if it holds up on video review on will be a new high score on the site for the fourth time under my name.
This has been taking place a lot because it's been giving me the feeling that I'm actually good at something, because right now my confidence in anything else is...gone. Completely, totally gone. Problem is, it's clearly being directed toward the wrong things...but my defenses just feel so far down...and I have felt so much like giving up the last few week...
...(sigh)...I want to talk but my sleep pattern right now is so bad I'm just afraid I'm going to have one of my patented cranky attacks.
As my anxiety episodes are getting worse, the hiding episodes are now getting worse, too.
Retro Uprising, a site that lets you play old video games from the '80s and '90s from a variety of platforms, has been a particularly popular hiding place of late. And I seem to be self-creating some additional trouble for myself in breaking this latest problem. In particular the Mega Drive (Genesis) version of Turbo Outrun has been a popular target. I've been pushing the score to beat higher and higher the last few months, and tonight I finally together a real run and broke 27 million points with a full clear, which if it holds up on video review on will be a new high score on the site for the fourth time under my name.
This has been taking place a lot because it's been giving me the feeling that I'm actually good at something, because right now my confidence in anything else is...gone. Completely, totally gone. Problem is, it's clearly being directed toward the wrong things...but my defenses just feel so far down...and I have felt so much like giving up the last few week...
...(sigh)...I want to talk but my sleep pattern right now is so bad I'm just afraid I'm going to have one of my patented cranky attacks.
Replies
Friend, don\'t beat yourself up over this...so you had fun on a video game and got a crazy-high score....so what?...that\'s nothing to feel bad about, and calling it a hiding episode automatically makes you feel bad, you know? Just call it a fun way to waste a bit of time...no big deal! Hell, you don\'t WANT to know how much time I\'ve wasted playing Candy Crush on facebook LOL...but really, I know I\'ve suggested this before, but what the hell...do you ever think about getting a hobby? Something a bit more hands-on, something you could relax with, get lost in, have fun with...but with an actual product, so you could look at it and say, okay, I didn\'t waste time, I did/built/painted/whatever\'d something, you know? Just an idea, as always lol...but maybe that could let you relax without all the guilt? Wishing u peace and lights
Sometimes I think it is necessary to \"hide\"--more so to regroup and take a break from all of the crap and stress. So you \"wasted\" some time playing a video game...maybe you mind needed the break and to have the ability to focus on something other than all the pressure.
Take heart, for me I find that when I do something frivolous and kind for me I also feel guilty. And then that leads to me beating myself up. That is the worst for me. So just say you had a break and did something fun and let it go. I won\'t say more because video games and I have a not so great history so I am biased. But I do like Summerwind\'s idea of starting a hobby that is something you can actually do that is tangible and gives you a sense of accomplishment and commitment.
Be kind to yourself (we all need to do that more) I bet it would make a world of difference.