Dear DS diary,
I guess I should have seen this one coming. I was overdue for another panic-induced meltdown, and it happened to come today.
Some days I can fight these meltdowns off until I can get alone. Today, though, it came way too early. I tried to fight it off and did twice, but the third time it came much harder, and I basically fell to pieces in front of my dad. Except for helping to light the barbecue later for his friends that are coming over, I managed to piss him off enough that my day is already over. And it's only 11:30 am.
My mother has been looking into seeing a panic specialist -- the first intelligent thing anyone in my family has done about my anxiety in basically forever -- but two things are likely to stop that in its tracks: a) I don't trust people (a feeling that is getting stronger every day, it seems), and b) insurance probably will not cover the kinds of specialists she's looking into, which means I'm probably looking at $300 a throw for something that will be useless if I have another of my female-or-else episodes and don't get one.
So when she asked me what I thought about this after I came back down from my latest breakdown, I had no choice but to tell her I have no easy answers on that. I didn't go into specifics. I didn't want to. All I really want to do is hang my head to cry.
:'(
I guess I should have seen this one coming. I was overdue for another panic-induced meltdown, and it happened to come today.
Some days I can fight these meltdowns off until I can get alone. Today, though, it came way too early. I tried to fight it off and did twice, but the third time it came much harder, and I basically fell to pieces in front of my dad. Except for helping to light the barbecue later for his friends that are coming over, I managed to piss him off enough that my day is already over. And it's only 11:30 am.
My mother has been looking into seeing a panic specialist -- the first intelligent thing anyone in my family has done about my anxiety in basically forever -- but two things are likely to stop that in its tracks: a) I don't trust people (a feeling that is getting stronger every day, it seems), and b) insurance probably will not cover the kinds of specialists she's looking into, which means I'm probably looking at $300 a throw for something that will be useless if I have another of my female-or-else episodes and don't get one.
So when she asked me what I thought about this after I came back down from my latest breakdown, I had no choice but to tell her I have no easy answers on that. I didn't go into specifics. I didn't want to. All I really want to do is hang my head to cry.
:'(
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