Dear DS diary,
As far as managing the stress that I feel, I have effectively reached a breaking point. The last two days have had avoidance episodes by the buckets, and it gets worse at night. It has now been three weeks since I have been able to do anything at all of note on either my resume or my study guide, and with US Independence Day looming it looks very certain that it will soon become four.
It's not that I don't want to do this, it's that I can't convince myself that I can. The few friends I have try to tell me that I'm amazing and that I can do this, but for whatever reason, my heart isn't buying it, and neither am I. The flashbacks of me getting continually lucky at the right moment won't go away, and it's because of this that I seem to be convinced that proceeding any farther is going to pretty much require another lucky break or three.
The frustration over not being able to convince myself that this will be okay is wearing on my nerves. The last few nights I haven't let myself on Skype knowing that my mood was going to be snippy at best and the two contacts I have there don't need to see me like that. It's basically my policy that if I can't be nice to the few friends I have I shouldn't say anything at all, because if I lose them...you know how that goes.
My sister, the music teacher, has bought a new house, and tomorrow after much aggravation for her she'll be closing the sale on it. She wants us to see the place Saturday. I guess I'll make the trip, but I'm expected to have a smile on my face and that's not going to happen. Not by a longshot.
The only potentially good thing is that the next couple of days are thus stacked up enough that there's no room for the study guide or resume attempts, which is probably just as well because I need time to find answers. Lots of them. :(
As far as managing the stress that I feel, I have effectively reached a breaking point. The last two days have had avoidance episodes by the buckets, and it gets worse at night. It has now been three weeks since I have been able to do anything at all of note on either my resume or my study guide, and with US Independence Day looming it looks very certain that it will soon become four.
It's not that I don't want to do this, it's that I can't convince myself that I can. The few friends I have try to tell me that I'm amazing and that I can do this, but for whatever reason, my heart isn't buying it, and neither am I. The flashbacks of me getting continually lucky at the right moment won't go away, and it's because of this that I seem to be convinced that proceeding any farther is going to pretty much require another lucky break or three.
The frustration over not being able to convince myself that this will be okay is wearing on my nerves. The last few nights I haven't let myself on Skype knowing that my mood was going to be snippy at best and the two contacts I have there don't need to see me like that. It's basically my policy that if I can't be nice to the few friends I have I shouldn't say anything at all, because if I lose them...you know how that goes.
My sister, the music teacher, has bought a new house, and tomorrow after much aggravation for her she'll be closing the sale on it. She wants us to see the place Saturday. I guess I'll make the trip, but I'm expected to have a smile on my face and that's not going to happen. Not by a longshot.
The only potentially good thing is that the next couple of days are thus stacked up enough that there's no room for the study guide or resume attempts, which is probably just as well because I need time to find answers. Lots of them. :(
Replies
It\'s the same nightmares that haunted a month before, just in a different form. Like a whole new kickstart to the addiction issues is coming because I just don\'t feel like I can face what\'s coming up.