My skittishness -- and my mood along with it -- seem to be deteriorating.
Today got off to a very bad start when I had issues falling asleep last night and then I woke up multiple times through the night, including for good at 4am. It has left me feeling very cranky because sleeping through the night is still a continuous issue.
The worries that seem to be the reason why are piling up:
* I'm down to the last two weeks of my AS journey...and I'm not happy about it. I definitely don't feel anywhere near ready to move on. Any day now I'm going to have to concede to my parents that I'm not really feeling like going to the commencement exercises (June 1).
* Part of the reason why: I'm still really scared of new people, and pretty soon I'm going to have to do some things that I know are outside my comfort zone: open a LinkedIn account, learn how to network, stay current in a career (or two, I may end up with two part-time jobs for all that I know, which actually doesn't sound that bad). Right now, my suspicions are high enough that I just know one or more facets of this are going to go completely wrong (Skype isn't the help that it was the one night I had a video chat with only one Skype friend available...I really need to see proof that others aren't armed but going on random friend hunts is obviously not for me).
* Then there's my Asperger's Syndrome (mild autism)...if you didn't know I had it before, now you do. It used to be really taboo to so much as bring it up with me because I didn't like talking about it. But it's clear as daylight that I still can't come to terms with it on my own, and yet my track record with counselors suggests I will be wasting my time if I see one...
Today got off to a very bad start when I had issues falling asleep last night and then I woke up multiple times through the night, including for good at 4am. It has left me feeling very cranky because sleeping through the night is still a continuous issue.
The worries that seem to be the reason why are piling up:
* I'm down to the last two weeks of my AS journey...and I'm not happy about it. I definitely don't feel anywhere near ready to move on. Any day now I'm going to have to concede to my parents that I'm not really feeling like going to the commencement exercises (June 1).
* Part of the reason why: I'm still really scared of new people, and pretty soon I'm going to have to do some things that I know are outside my comfort zone: open a LinkedIn account, learn how to network, stay current in a career (or two, I may end up with two part-time jobs for all that I know, which actually doesn't sound that bad). Right now, my suspicions are high enough that I just know one or more facets of this are going to go completely wrong (Skype isn't the help that it was the one night I had a video chat with only one Skype friend available...I really need to see proof that others aren't armed but going on random friend hunts is obviously not for me).
* Then there's my Asperger's Syndrome (mild autism)...if you didn't know I had it before, now you do. It used to be really taboo to so much as bring it up with me because I didn't like talking about it. But it's clear as daylight that I still can't come to terms with it on my own, and yet my track record with counselors suggests I will be wasting my time if I see one...
Replies
((((((JP1))))))) I am sorry you have had such a rough day, that began so very early. I can certainly sympathize, as sleep is also an issue for me. I am often running on 3-4 hours of sleep, so I know how much it sucks!
Here are my thoughts on what you have written here (for what they are worth)
*I bet if you are honest with your parents, they will understand why you really don\'t want to go to commencement. Do you think they will be shocked? Maybe a little disappointed, but if they really think of what is best for you, they will come to terms with it and support your decision. (I hope)
*Opening a LinkedIn acct can be intimidating for anyone, but especially someone who faces some of the issues that you do. It\'s really putting yourself out there to the world..I get that. Is your career one that makes it possible to work from home? Maybe if you can step outside your comfort zone to get to some interviews, and are very honest with perspective employers, it could be doable? Just a thought. The rest of that paragraph has me lost. (don\'t laugh, remember, I am OLD) I am not sure what your reference to the Skype incident, and random friend hunts is about. I know what Skype is, but otherwise am lost. Sorry.
*I think that your talking about your Asperger\'s here is a huge step forward in terms of coming to terms with it. I bet you know a bunch of people who also have it..you just don\'t know about it. As far as a counselor goes, I am sorry you haven\'t had the best experiences, but don\'t assume that the reason lies with you. It may be that you didn\'t find the right counselor. I\'d keep trying on that one. The right counselor may be just the thing you need to really begin to accept your Asperger\'s, and maybe, one day, even embrace it. It makes you who you are. It doesn\'t have to have a negative connotation!
Hope you are able to rest well tonite.
The Skype incident really wasn\'t an incident. It was a night that the one Skype friend I had agreed to do a video call with me, which was awfully sweet of her even though we were both scared out of our wits. At the time it felt like a step forward. But I haven\'t been able to repeat the feat which is really making wonder if that was a one-hit wonder, which does me no good in the long run. I don\'t blame her. I blame me.
What stings is that neither path -- paralegal or pharmacy tech -- is conducive to working at home. Frankly, I admit I even tried it once when I finally accepted that accounting was not for me but I found that it\'s more trouble than it\'s worth for my lack of business savvy.