This morning's class in criminal law was an embarrassment on my person. In light of how scared I felt about this week with the marathon bombings, I guess I should have seen this coming. Having said that I didn't know -- maybe I couldn't -- fight it off.
We're doing a research paper over the last three weeks of the semester before finals...except finding a topic is our problem (which I don't like, I've always preferred papers with the topic assigned beforehand because it limits the paralysis-by-analysis that always comes up if I have to do this on my own). So for the second half of class, the professor arranged a short-notice session on how to use the library resources. He was able to get one of the librarians to do this even though by normal protocol you're supposed to arrange these ahead of time.
He didn't mean harm. But by its very nature since it involved the class as a whole, it's far, far out of my comfort zone because large groups have felt intimidating for a while now and I'm still feeling vulnerable after the bombings. Which probably explains what happened next.
I manage to get into the library with the others, but I'm on the fringe as I tend to be because I'm afraid of being hurt. This was literally as far as I got. We scarcely got to meet the librarian who would show us around the relevant sections of the library and what we can use before I hid behind a bookcase. Nobody thought to notice I wasn't even near the circle anymore. Then, when I was sure the coast was clear, I bolted and had a full-on breakdown in the men's room a floor down from the library.
I kid you people not: I was convinced the librarian was out to hurt me. And it didn't hurt that I felt completely and totally overwhelmed by having thirteen other people (professor included) nearby.
Obviously it would have been easier to arrange a one-to-one, but it matters not at this point because face-to-face still feels impossible at the moment. When we're talking baby steps on the interaction front, we're talking baby steps that only a snail would love. Which appears to be the route that I'm going on.
We're doing a research paper over the last three weeks of the semester before finals...except finding a topic is our problem (which I don't like, I've always preferred papers with the topic assigned beforehand because it limits the paralysis-by-analysis that always comes up if I have to do this on my own). So for the second half of class, the professor arranged a short-notice session on how to use the library resources. He was able to get one of the librarians to do this even though by normal protocol you're supposed to arrange these ahead of time.
He didn't mean harm. But by its very nature since it involved the class as a whole, it's far, far out of my comfort zone because large groups have felt intimidating for a while now and I'm still feeling vulnerable after the bombings. Which probably explains what happened next.
I manage to get into the library with the others, but I'm on the fringe as I tend to be because I'm afraid of being hurt. This was literally as far as I got. We scarcely got to meet the librarian who would show us around the relevant sections of the library and what we can use before I hid behind a bookcase. Nobody thought to notice I wasn't even near the circle anymore. Then, when I was sure the coast was clear, I bolted and had a full-on breakdown in the men's room a floor down from the library.
I kid you people not: I was convinced the librarian was out to hurt me. And it didn't hurt that I felt completely and totally overwhelmed by having thirteen other people (professor included) nearby.
Obviously it would have been easier to arrange a one-to-one, but it matters not at this point because face-to-face still feels impossible at the moment. When we're talking baby steps on the interaction front, we're talking baby steps that only a snail would love. Which appears to be the route that I'm going on.
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