My sister is the head of the music department at a regional technical school an hour from where I live. She's conducting a holiday concert tonight with her orchestra and chorus. I'm leaving for there in an hour with my parents.
But the question I'm asking myself is why am I doing this.
I'm claiming I need an out after my first of three finals today (the other two are Thursday), and I guess that has some merit because I'm not sleeping with any consistency still and trying to get ready for the other two is probably a waste of my time tonight. But in my heart, I know that's not true.
I'd rather just sit in my room and cry. This concert will do nothing but trigger me; I was sick of the season two weeks ago and tonight is only going to make it worse. I'm getting some kind of dinner out of this -- not sure what yet because my dad hates driving on the highway after dark (so we could just end up ordering a pizza) -- but that seems to be the only thing that's making me go on this.
I know I'm harping on it but it's not helping that I wish this semester was over a few weeks ago as well; I conceded to my American culture professor that if the campus had any mental health counselors (they don't), I'd be first in line for them...it didn't take her long to agree with me because she knows what happened with me not converting a single lab session this semester (that's right, 0 for 10), and wishes she had answers on what it would take to get me to work with strangers and especially guys. I have to deal with labs again next semester, and I still don't know...it's safe to say that when I conceded way back in September that this semester would require steps that I was not ready to take, I wasn't kidding you at all.
I'm paying for that now. It leaves me sick to my stomach. But the fact is I've never stopped running from uncomfortable situations, and I don't know how to stop. If I did, the fall-apart incident when I couldn't get a face-to-face female chemistry tutor would have been no issue at all. Which just brings me to tears.
:'(
But the question I'm asking myself is why am I doing this.
I'm claiming I need an out after my first of three finals today (the other two are Thursday), and I guess that has some merit because I'm not sleeping with any consistency still and trying to get ready for the other two is probably a waste of my time tonight. But in my heart, I know that's not true.
I'd rather just sit in my room and cry. This concert will do nothing but trigger me; I was sick of the season two weeks ago and tonight is only going to make it worse. I'm getting some kind of dinner out of this -- not sure what yet because my dad hates driving on the highway after dark (so we could just end up ordering a pizza) -- but that seems to be the only thing that's making me go on this.
I know I'm harping on it but it's not helping that I wish this semester was over a few weeks ago as well; I conceded to my American culture professor that if the campus had any mental health counselors (they don't), I'd be first in line for them...it didn't take her long to agree with me because she knows what happened with me not converting a single lab session this semester (that's right, 0 for 10), and wishes she had answers on what it would take to get me to work with strangers and especially guys. I have to deal with labs again next semester, and I still don't know...it's safe to say that when I conceded way back in September that this semester would require steps that I was not ready to take, I wasn't kidding you at all.
I'm paying for that now. It leaves me sick to my stomach. But the fact is I've never stopped running from uncomfortable situations, and I don't know how to stop. If I did, the fall-apart incident when I couldn't get a face-to-face female chemistry tutor would have been no issue at all. Which just brings me to tears.
:'(
Replies