Coming into today, I had a feeling that the upcoming video calls through Skype are going to be at the very minimum heavily important for me, scary though they are going to be.
After this morning, it got taken to a new level. Scared is right, I'm at a point where I have to ignore my heart right now, but...
...today, I couldn't do it. It was not close. Even I had been able to sleep through the night my odds were not good. I feel so alienated by my chemistry class that the voice that is telling me to isolate myself from everyone because nobody cares was too strong, too convincing, has too much evidence in its favor to ignore.
So I acted accordingly. Lourbna was in, but only got so much a passing glance from me. She could tell from the look in my eyes that I didn't even have it in me to say hi...they were filled with part anger but a mostly distraught look that just screamed that I wanted to let her go.
So she sat far away. I never saw Joanna but she would have gotten the cold shoulder too.
Alienated means alienated, and about the only way I'd be convinced that I could work with someone now is if they helped me backtrack the way Scared did, an idea that I have already given up on...just the thought of trying to pair up again is causing nightmares and I have not been able to sleep through the night for a week without waking up at least once and usually twice. It hit home three weeks ago that nobody in my class cares, and it has just been all downhill from there.
I'm still going to try to show up for the remaining sessions but it's between me and Scared now as far as finishing the course is concerned. That's no way to be breaking down the people walls. But it's also what is, because what I need is apparently not compatible with what people are willing to give, and so it just tears me apart until finally I find a way to isolate myself out, as has happened here.
After this morning, it got taken to a new level. Scared is right, I'm at a point where I have to ignore my heart right now, but...
...today, I couldn't do it. It was not close. Even I had been able to sleep through the night my odds were not good. I feel so alienated by my chemistry class that the voice that is telling me to isolate myself from everyone because nobody cares was too strong, too convincing, has too much evidence in its favor to ignore.
So I acted accordingly. Lourbna was in, but only got so much a passing glance from me. She could tell from the look in my eyes that I didn't even have it in me to say hi...they were filled with part anger but a mostly distraught look that just screamed that I wanted to let her go.
So she sat far away. I never saw Joanna but she would have gotten the cold shoulder too.
Alienated means alienated, and about the only way I'd be convinced that I could work with someone now is if they helped me backtrack the way Scared did, an idea that I have already given up on...just the thought of trying to pair up again is causing nightmares and I have not been able to sleep through the night for a week without waking up at least once and usually twice. It hit home three weeks ago that nobody in my class cares, and it has just been all downhill from there.
I'm still going to try to show up for the remaining sessions but it's between me and Scared now as far as finishing the course is concerned. That's no way to be breaking down the people walls. But it's also what is, because what I need is apparently not compatible with what people are willing to give, and so it just tears me apart until finally I find a way to isolate myself out, as has happened here.
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Hey friend...sorry to hear that it\'s been a rough day so far but I have to agree with Scared in that ignoring your heart...as hard as it seems...is going to have to be a big priority. Not totally ignoring it, maybe, but somehow \'tricking\' it into seeing things differently, if that makes sense. Why do you feel that the class alienates you? I don\'t know for sure, obviously, but my best assumption (based on how my own mind works when it\'s being a bitch) is that you might be focusing in, laser-like on the bad things, things which confirm what you\'re already afraid of, while totally ignoring the signs which might point in the other direction. It\'s not your fault or anything, that;s just how our minds work, and its especially true after years of self-harming beliefs. Just a thought, as always lol...I hope you can relax a bit today.
Well, the prof ignored my request to pair up with someone else in my section, my lab partners don\'t understand that I need a study buddy even though I have told them that I can\'t understand the professor at all, and nobody came around to make sure I was okay after the breakdown last week. A lot of strikes against everyone. You think I\'d still want to work with them after that?
Trickery could be possible, I guess, but that won\'t work without getting paired with a new lab group that at this point would need to have at least one female in it (sad to say). It\'s asking an awful lot right now and even that might not be enough.
Actually, I should qualify part of this: It is much, much less about getting help (Scared is filling that role and she will get a fair chance to work her magic again ahead of the exam), and much more about finding ways to break these walls down, They won\'t come down fast enough if this has to come down to the last semester before I graduate in the spring, and that fear is driving so much of this it\'s small wonder that I am starting to feel desperate for any signs that a serious dent in said walls is coming.