It's very hard for me to put this into words, but I'm going to try anyway.
Sleeping has, on the whole, been better the last couple of nights. It's still taking a little longer than I want to most nights...unwinding has been hard at best.
The people issues are gaining slowly, but not in the right places. At work, it's a little bit better; I'm just trying to go with little things like saying hi to people, and I made it to early afternoon yesterday before my defenses broke down. I have reasons to think that being around people I've seen before is playing a role because...
...I just got out of my American Culture class about 35 minutes ago as I'm typing this (it's the activities hour right now)...and it was a disaster. We've been trying to do get-to-know-people drills as we've gone so far, but when we had to break into groups to discuss a homework we did over the weekend...
...I couldn't do it. And I was supposed to be a group leader, too. It took very little time for the anxiety of being around unfamiliars to strike, and I'm unfortunately talking hard...even so much as saying hi felt like it was too much today. I could feel a what-if game running through my head...what if they can't tolerate me, what if I can't tolerate them. It doesn't feel reasonable at all -- my group mates looked like being hurtful was the farthest thing from their minds -- and yet for most of the cycle I couldn't even make eye contact; at one point I even shed a few tears (this went unnoticed, fortunately for me).
Earlier I bought a fresh blank notebook because I apparently need it for the rest of my chemistry labs, but at the moment I'm starting to question why I bothered. The dark spot that would rather be alone is just plain murdering the larger spot that wants to at least give people a chance.
Sleeping has, on the whole, been better the last couple of nights. It's still taking a little longer than I want to most nights...unwinding has been hard at best.
The people issues are gaining slowly, but not in the right places. At work, it's a little bit better; I'm just trying to go with little things like saying hi to people, and I made it to early afternoon yesterday before my defenses broke down. I have reasons to think that being around people I've seen before is playing a role because...
...I just got out of my American Culture class about 35 minutes ago as I'm typing this (it's the activities hour right now)...and it was a disaster. We've been trying to do get-to-know-people drills as we've gone so far, but when we had to break into groups to discuss a homework we did over the weekend...
...I couldn't do it. And I was supposed to be a group leader, too. It took very little time for the anxiety of being around unfamiliars to strike, and I'm unfortunately talking hard...even so much as saying hi felt like it was too much today. I could feel a what-if game running through my head...what if they can't tolerate me, what if I can't tolerate them. It doesn't feel reasonable at all -- my group mates looked like being hurtful was the farthest thing from their minds -- and yet for most of the cycle I couldn't even make eye contact; at one point I even shed a few tears (this went unnoticed, fortunately for me).
Earlier I bought a fresh blank notebook because I apparently need it for the rest of my chemistry labs, but at the moment I'm starting to question why I bothered. The dark spot that would rather be alone is just plain murdering the larger spot that wants to at least give people a chance.
Replies
I am so happy that sleep is becoming a little easier for you. You at least are taking steps to control your anxiety around people. You are doing great and don\'t let your group keep you back. Stay strong my friend.
the long and the short is you are basically describing agorophobia, which means you will have to fight all the harder on the side of changing how you think or doing as you have been with the saying hi and everything. Most fears are solved by immersion. Which is just getting in and doing it even though it scares the hell out of you. The other option is to let it run you in which case you become a shut in and can\'t function anymore. I think you are hadling it the right way, you just gotta keep going. What you seem to see as a fail i personally consider a success. Every single day you actually show up to your classes and each day you go to work, even each day you leave your house is a victory when you have a fear of people. View it that way, don\'t look at what you did wrong or what you feel you did wrong, look at what accomplished in spite of it :D
Doesn\'t it feel like that? The reason I see it as a fail is that it bodes very badly for my lab session on Friday; if I can\'t take part in a group discussion there\'s little reason to think I can manage a 2 hour lab. This pattern is not new; if I\'m working alone it\'s okay, but the moment you team me up it falls apart very quickly.
Another reason this is raising a red flag is that I\'m noticing that some of the stuff in the first chemistry chapter is giving me trouble already as I feared (LearnSmart caught it)...and...well, you can guess I feel about my odds regarding getting a tutor I\'d actually feel comfortable working with (they\'re not good)...I think I\'ve said enough about this.