This time I just plain feel devastated...I don't think words are going to adequately describe this so I hope you know what to do insofar as probing goes:
Today was lab session #1. For me, it was a personal disaster. Do not try to put this on the professor because it was not his fault.
These labs are meant to be done in groups...that's just how it's supposed to be, there really aren't enough tables for people to be flying solo. But from a trust standpoint, pretty much like I feared, it was a jump neither my heart or my head was ready or willing to take.
I was pretty much like, "Get the hell away!" all morning long. It was another case of me, in the critical moment when I had to take a plunge, simply couldn't do it, couldn't come close...even though I know there's not a single person in the room who was responsible for effectively trainwrecking my life so many years before, I couldn't shake the feeling that they're still out to destroy me. Period.
Needless to say I time-overed -- it was not close -- so I'm already down an assignment. Two takeaways from the whole mess:
1) This obviously unreasonable fear that the world is out to get me will wreck this course for me unless I can think of some fancy mental trickery, and I mean quickly. Anyone willing to probe me there?
2) The music tool I've got is not enough. I mean, it's useful and all that, but it's not doing enough to keep my head locked on something else, especially at night, because I had a full panic attack this morning before I even left for class. One of the few people who has managed to convince me that she's not out to hurt found me after class, saw I was a wreck, and hinted that I need time for me...but with the confidence I have, that means turning to the usual suspects that I know will only get overused. :'(
Today was lab session #1. For me, it was a personal disaster. Do not try to put this on the professor because it was not his fault.
These labs are meant to be done in groups...that's just how it's supposed to be, there really aren't enough tables for people to be flying solo. But from a trust standpoint, pretty much like I feared, it was a jump neither my heart or my head was ready or willing to take.
I was pretty much like, "Get the hell away!" all morning long. It was another case of me, in the critical moment when I had to take a plunge, simply couldn't do it, couldn't come close...even though I know there's not a single person in the room who was responsible for effectively trainwrecking my life so many years before, I couldn't shake the feeling that they're still out to destroy me. Period.
Needless to say I time-overed -- it was not close -- so I'm already down an assignment. Two takeaways from the whole mess:
1) This obviously unreasonable fear that the world is out to get me will wreck this course for me unless I can think of some fancy mental trickery, and I mean quickly. Anyone willing to probe me there?
2) The music tool I've got is not enough. I mean, it's useful and all that, but it's not doing enough to keep my head locked on something else, especially at night, because I had a full panic attack this morning before I even left for class. One of the few people who has managed to convince me that she's not out to hurt found me after class, saw I was a wreck, and hinted that I need time for me...but with the confidence I have, that means turning to the usual suspects that I know will only get overused. :'(
Replies
The closest I can come to making sense to anyone is that it appears that HS was just so damned hurtful (please excuse my choice of words, I\'m just so frustrated right now) that it\'s been interpreted to apply to everyone and so I feel EVERYBODY is out to destroy me, save for the few friends I have here. Nobody gets a chance anymore. Leave it to my American Culture professor to help sniff that one out.
Well here is the thing, mental trickery really won\'t do it. You simply are just going to have to do it. I can\'t really suggest you do this without talking to a licensed doctor, but i personally take valerian root for my panic attacks. I don\'t think you should really use it all the time, but it is an herbal alternative to sedatives. I have issues with the pharmacutical mentality now a days, so any time i can i fall back on roots and herbs. If you are on medications or anything though as i said talk to a doctor. Another warning it stinks so if you have an issue there it may not help but it only stinks when you take it, once its swallowed or the bottle is closed, no one will know. It does not make you drowsey or anything just mellow. All in all it is less about mental tricks and more about ways of coping. Eventually you will be able to make it though with no aids, no tools, but for now you have to find anyting you can to get through the classes and get it done. You really need to sit and focus when you have to do group stuff and tell yourself repetedly you will be fine, you will be fine you will be fine, they won\'t hurt you they won\'t hurt you they won\'t hurt you. The more often you do that the better it will eventually get rooted in your subconcious and make it reevaluate the prior experience it has to base things on. in the short term though, keep using the music to center and ground yourself. Look into something like valerian which is over the counter and can be picked up at any herbal or healthfoods store (GNC or the like) but if you have any medical ailments talk to a doc first and just stick it out, you can do it. I know you can. you will then be able to look back at it and say YES!!!! I Did it and i can do it again!! :D
Side note, in my case i started using the Valerian Root per a friend of mine who is a licensed nurse. She knew about my panic attacks n all and told me to look into it which i did. So even for me I had a medical professional tell me yes or no.
I wish I could help you feel better. If you would like \"mental trickery\" I have found this useful.
If I feel like people are out to get me then there is a chance that other people feel the same way about themselves. Just knowing this allows me to be in other peoples shoes. They feel the same way therefore they aren\'t paying any attention to you.
Keep us posted friend!
I can really relate to this.I feel this way a lot and i think its come from bad experiences in the past.I can only give you a couple of tools i use where trusting others is a must .I take deep breathes before and i tell myself this person is awesome this persons the best and wants me to succeed..I say that to myself before i go into actual interaction and it kind of apeases my mood and thoughts become more pleasant and i can get to the task at hand.I dont even know if you\'ll get what im suggesting but its kind of a mental trick that relieves anxiety when in a non trusting mode..At least it works for me..Hope it helps.Hang in there!