Tomorrow I am getting my state ID card renewed...it expires in 3 months and I really don't want to do it during the semester.  I'm not new to the process, I've done this a couple of times before, but in light of the stuff I'm working through now...it somehow feels harder.
I'm realizing that basically I've had...well, evil thoughts about people for basically since the first time I went to college, whether it was conscious or not, and it's sapping a good chunk of my energy trying to convince myself that not everybody has bad intentions.  I mean, there's plenty of examples to back up this new notion -- remember when I talked about Elda helping me through a breakdown during the second week of summer course 2 -- but I'm having a hard time believing it because it's just been too long.  It's going to be very hard when I get to my chemistry lab sessions because I know what my gut reaction is going to be -- I'm going to want a table all by myself -- even though I don't exactly have to be chummy with who I work with, I just have to be able to work with them.
Between a schedule that I anticipate to be busy and this...fear of lashing out on the innocent, we'll call it, it's going to be a difficult fall, I fear.  I know about the idea of this taking time and for that I owe thanks to more people than I can name here, but putting that into practice...it's not impossible but I just find it hard.  I feel like I'm fighting a double battle right now trying to find ways to relax that I don't believe in because of the abuse potential (much harder) and learning to accept the fact that not everyone is evil.
Maybe this ID card run is a step towards the latter?