(Note: This one is long again. I can't help it, there's so much that needs to come out and since a lot of you are telling me to keep going, that's what I will do.)
I was in a craft store with my parents ths morning -- mother just wanted to update her decor -- and the idea came up of maybe finding something tactile for me to do to try to unwind at night. It's not a bad idea because it would stop me from my occasional self-injury episodes (I'm not a cutter...I'm a picker. Still have the pale scars to prove it.)
But even though this sounded like a good idea, at the moment...(sigh) it's unworkable right now. This is one of the things I was referring to when I said there's more to what's come out so far.
You know how people sometimes do stuff to take their mind off things? Doesn't work with me, it seems. That's because it's taken me so long to really talk about a lot of this stuff...I basically feel haunted. I haven't wanted to deal with it because I felt no one would listen. So instead of being able to take my mind away with the few things that I've tried, a different set of signals was coming in. They're saying "Run away, David, run away!" Or "Fly very fast, David, fly very fast!" And I'd get addicted to the stuff I'd try because I would basically want to drown myself in it, hoping it would go away...but of course it wouldn't.
This is not new. It goes back to the very afternoon after the smoke bombing, when there was still an old Let's Play Golf board game that I no longer have (fortunately). I was so shaken from seeing the detonated device and from the fear that the building would actually catch fire that I didn't know what else to do. There was nobody I felt comfortable talking to, and even if there was I couldn't find words for how I felt so it would have been useless anyway.
But that board game wasn't the answer. My siblings were gamer types at that time so I guess I thought maybe that's what might work for me...the full story might never be known because it's a blur from there. But it wasn't helping me feel any better...at one point, a couple of weeks later, I was even suicidal. But I didn't know any better, I just...
...kept going with it, even though I knew it was doing me no good at all. It's one of the biggest embarrassments I have. :(
I was in a craft store with my parents ths morning -- mother just wanted to update her decor -- and the idea came up of maybe finding something tactile for me to do to try to unwind at night. It's not a bad idea because it would stop me from my occasional self-injury episodes (I'm not a cutter...I'm a picker. Still have the pale scars to prove it.)
But even though this sounded like a good idea, at the moment...(sigh) it's unworkable right now. This is one of the things I was referring to when I said there's more to what's come out so far.
You know how people sometimes do stuff to take their mind off things? Doesn't work with me, it seems. That's because it's taken me so long to really talk about a lot of this stuff...I basically feel haunted. I haven't wanted to deal with it because I felt no one would listen. So instead of being able to take my mind away with the few things that I've tried, a different set of signals was coming in. They're saying "Run away, David, run away!" Or "Fly very fast, David, fly very fast!" And I'd get addicted to the stuff I'd try because I would basically want to drown myself in it, hoping it would go away...but of course it wouldn't.
This is not new. It goes back to the very afternoon after the smoke bombing, when there was still an old Let's Play Golf board game that I no longer have (fortunately). I was so shaken from seeing the detonated device and from the fear that the building would actually catch fire that I didn't know what else to do. There was nobody I felt comfortable talking to, and even if there was I couldn't find words for how I felt so it would have been useless anyway.
But that board game wasn't the answer. My siblings were gamer types at that time so I guess I thought maybe that's what might work for me...the full story might never be known because it's a blur from there. But it wasn't helping me feel any better...at one point, a couple of weeks later, I was even suicidal. But I didn't know any better, I just...
...kept going with it, even though I knew it was doing me no good at all. It's one of the biggest embarrassments I have. :(
Replies
Everytime you write an entry I feel as though I am missing some vital piece of information some crucial point?
I can understand drowning yourself in any activity to fend off the fears and painful emotions,so perhaps you have been left a little obssesive.We all develop different coping mechanisms and hopefully we learn some healthy ones along the way that serve us well long into life.Maybe that is what you are missing some good positive effective coping mechanism to get you through?I will look up some relevant material,see what we can come up with.
I can understand where you\'re coming from regarding not wanting to get addicted to something else...but I gotta say, I think something more hands-on might just be very good. It would be totally different from the drawbacks you\'ve mentioned with other games...high scores and the like. If you\'re creating something, there\'s nobody to compete against, and no limitations outside your imagination. Plus, at least for me, it\'s a lot more satisfying to create something than it is to get a high score (and I used to play a LOT of video games lol).
If crafts seem a little girlie to you, maybe look into woodworking? I\'m not saying build a table lol...although that\'s one of my goals once I have the space to really learn it!...but just making small things, a pretty box, a birdfeeder, small useful things. You could even sell them maybe! Just an idea, as always lol...but I think this might be a great idea :)