Today has been a dark, dank, dreary day that effectively started with a monsoon-like downpour.  It was a total washout.  Which actually was okay, sleeping has been very off for a week now (basically, we're talking waking up in the middle of the night, multiple times) and I needed a day to just basically turn everything off, especially considering that my first summer course starts Tuesday.
I feel...well, scared, really.  I just don't really know what it's going to take to feel better about me as a person.  I mean, the intentions are good, but I know I may well have to fight with my demons for the rest of my life.  Journaling has helped a little but the demons just don't want to go away.
It's complicated because it seems like there's insufficient data coming through.  I know I've probably mentioned when I got hooked on puzzles seven (maybe?) or so years ago.  Part of it was originally to just keep my brain occupied, to say that the thoughts overload when I'm idle is being charitable.  But whether I actually enjoyed them was a blur, and still is...the desire to hide just took over and everything went downhill from there.
It seems that anything can be a trap now.  My dad's kind of a perfectionist and it has rubbed off on me, unconsciously, which almost certainly explains why I wasn't exactly happy with my spring results.  I do realize that I have to break free from that mold, the problem is that I just don't know how.  I mean, I know I'm too hard on myself, but beyond that I seem to be out of ideas.  There are things that don't work out, that's a fact of life.  It just seems that I'm having trouble convincing myself of that.