I'm choosing to put this out there because a current situation is kinda bringing this up to date.
Here's something that's been coming out from trying to journal my HS years out over the last week or so: By the time I was out of high school, I generally developed a major distrust in people generally. The number of...ahem, incidents that evidently went unpunished has something to do with it. So does that image of seeing the detonated smoke bomb when I had to be escorted to collect my things after that situation settled down.
The point is, for the most part on a face-to-face basis, the truth is that I hide from people. Have been for years (this would explain why it has been easier for me to talk to people here on DS than anywhere else). My heart basically has just developed an instant reaction of "Hey, you must one of those (expletive) blokes who's done the same thing", and that's enough to pretty much them tune them out permanently.
Here's what brings that up to date: Admittedly, I am in trouble in my state and local politics class. Having the panic induced crashout just before the first exam there is directly to blame. Since the course has a no makeup policy, that meant an automatic zero and a warning grade last week that did not come off as a spectacular surprise.
So the exam that will be the first thing on the docket after spring break is pretty important. But there's a problem...the book isn't conducive to learning the material. Its companion website does have learning objectives but the material is too cryptic for me to really understand it.
This matters because the review last Wednesday was a waste of my time. We were supposed to discuss specific chapter material in groups, but not only did I stay on the outside fringe of my group, I didn't so much as utter a peep. Even the professor couldn't get me involved. In my heart, I know that these people didn't have a thing to do with what happened in HS and the resulting fallout. But the entrenchment of "you guys are out to get me" runs so deep -- this is 20 years of emotional scars I'm dealing with -- has become so automatic that talking myself out of it is proving...well, kinda impossible right now.
This does, eventually, have to change, but I honestly don't have much of an idea how I can change my mindset to being just neutral about people on a face-to-face basis (which would be good enough for my purposes).
For the record: The result of this exam will determine whether I go on with it. I probably need a score of around 85 to stay afloat. If I don't get that, it will be time to discuss withdrawing from the course with the professor, which while undesirable, would be better than a D or an F.
Here's something that's been coming out from trying to journal my HS years out over the last week or so: By the time I was out of high school, I generally developed a major distrust in people generally. The number of...ahem, incidents that evidently went unpunished has something to do with it. So does that image of seeing the detonated smoke bomb when I had to be escorted to collect my things after that situation settled down.
The point is, for the most part on a face-to-face basis, the truth is that I hide from people. Have been for years (this would explain why it has been easier for me to talk to people here on DS than anywhere else). My heart basically has just developed an instant reaction of "Hey, you must one of those (expletive) blokes who's done the same thing", and that's enough to pretty much them tune them out permanently.
Here's what brings that up to date: Admittedly, I am in trouble in my state and local politics class. Having the panic induced crashout just before the first exam there is directly to blame. Since the course has a no makeup policy, that meant an automatic zero and a warning grade last week that did not come off as a spectacular surprise.
So the exam that will be the first thing on the docket after spring break is pretty important. But there's a problem...the book isn't conducive to learning the material. Its companion website does have learning objectives but the material is too cryptic for me to really understand it.
This matters because the review last Wednesday was a waste of my time. We were supposed to discuss specific chapter material in groups, but not only did I stay on the outside fringe of my group, I didn't so much as utter a peep. Even the professor couldn't get me involved. In my heart, I know that these people didn't have a thing to do with what happened in HS and the resulting fallout. But the entrenchment of "you guys are out to get me" runs so deep -- this is 20 years of emotional scars I'm dealing with -- has become so automatic that talking myself out of it is proving...well, kinda impossible right now.
This does, eventually, have to change, but I honestly don't have much of an idea how I can change my mindset to being just neutral about people on a face-to-face basis (which would be good enough for my purposes).
For the record: The result of this exam will determine whether I go on with it. I probably need a score of around 85 to stay afloat. If I don't get that, it will be time to discuss withdrawing from the course with the professor, which while undesirable, would be better than a D or an F.
Replies