Today provided at least a connection on why unwinding is so hard for me.
I inadvertently got to hear a sizable chunk of a phone conversation that a colleague had taken where I work this morning (I don't eavesdrop on calls intentionally, but she was talking right next to where I work in a tight space so not hearing the call was impossible).
Turns out her son had been playing his XBox late into the night last night, to the tune of about 12:45 am or so. I flashed back to when my addiction issues were at their absolute worst, found that I've done something similar to that...and felt a chill through my body. The fear of reabusing -- limits or not -- when I'm having a day in which I just plain feel terrible is acting as an immediate and terrible stopper. Like a lot of my bad memories, it won't go away.
Part of it could be protective in nature, perhaps, but I'm finding that a lot these things are getting in the way of my life now because it's keeping me from what might help in the long run. It's like intentionally hiding from things that I have hid behind before (which I've had addiction issues with), fearing that if I try again it will only make me want to hide from issues more.
This would absolutely explain the tendency to burn out when I study...but what to do about that....?
I inadvertently got to hear a sizable chunk of a phone conversation that a colleague had taken where I work this morning (I don't eavesdrop on calls intentionally, but she was talking right next to where I work in a tight space so not hearing the call was impossible).
Turns out her son had been playing his XBox late into the night last night, to the tune of about 12:45 am or so. I flashed back to when my addiction issues were at their absolute worst, found that I've done something similar to that...and felt a chill through my body. The fear of reabusing -- limits or not -- when I'm having a day in which I just plain feel terrible is acting as an immediate and terrible stopper. Like a lot of my bad memories, it won't go away.
Part of it could be protective in nature, perhaps, but I'm finding that a lot these things are getting in the way of my life now because it's keeping me from what might help in the long run. It's like intentionally hiding from things that I have hid behind before (which I've had addiction issues with), fearing that if I try again it will only make me want to hide from issues more.
This would absolutely explain the tendency to burn out when I study...but what to do about that....?
Replies
Sorry that you got triggered :( have you tried affirmations for times like these? Sorry that I keep throwing ideas at you lol...you just seem to be struggling so much and I wish I could help...