:'(
I don't know if I've already said this, but this year, I'm just not getting any joyful vibes from the holidays. Today, I found out just how bad the feelings are.
Today was the annual Christmas (or holiday if you prefer) party where I work. We actually weren't sure if it would get off until the last minute, and in the confusion I hadn't been notified of it. No hard feelings there, because I've missed out on yankee swaps before (usually voluntarily) -- there would be one at this party -- and it probably won't be the last one I miss.
I hoped that maybe I could get something happy out of this. But I want so much from 2011 back -- I can't stop looking back, it seems -- that my heart just screamed, "No, you don't". And it just wasn't in me to talk it out of that train of thought.
So I ended up working through the whole thing. I couldn't touch a crumb of the food that had been brought in. I couldn't even pay attention to the yankee swap. All I could think of was that absolutely nothing has helped me feel any better this month. Shopping for Christmas gifts didn't help. Decorating the tree in my house didn't help. Even hearing about the party made me feel worse, and it clearly wasn't out of anger.
It's not helping that I've had to concede I can't complete my AS target in two years like I wanted to...which is coming off as just another failed goal and thus another cross to bear...
Today was the annual Christmas (or holiday if you prefer) party where I work. We actually weren't sure if it would get off until the last minute, and in the confusion I hadn't been notified of it. No hard feelings there, because I've missed out on yankee swaps before (usually voluntarily) -- there would be one at this party -- and it probably won't be the last one I miss.
I hoped that maybe I could get something happy out of this. But I want so much from 2011 back -- I can't stop looking back, it seems -- that my heart just screamed, "No, you don't". And it just wasn't in me to talk it out of that train of thought.
So I ended up working through the whole thing. I couldn't touch a crumb of the food that had been brought in. I couldn't even pay attention to the yankee swap. All I could think of was that absolutely nothing has helped me feel any better this month. Shopping for Christmas gifts didn't help. Decorating the tree in my house didn't help. Even hearing about the party made me feel worse, and it clearly wasn't out of anger.
It's not helping that I've had to concede I can't complete my AS target in two years like I wanted to...which is coming off as just another failed goal and thus another cross to bear...
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