I realize that at this hour, I should be asleep. But tonight not even my sleep CDs are helping me, because I am in all kinds of emotional pain.
So, last night (technically speaking because it's 12:45 am as I'm typing this) my mother celebrated her 63rd birthday. She wanted me to go out to dinner with her (and several others) and do the usual routine. Okay, fine.
Dinner was uneventful. But what happened after, even though nobody did anything wrong, was the trigger. My sister got a fancy card...one of those cards with sound. It had a frog on it, and when it's opened it plays the "Happy Birthday" song in ribbits.
It was amusing and I should have seen it as such. But instead it hit me right here....(covers his heart) :'( Er...excuse me....(clears his eyes)
Everyone else that I know of seems to be able to embrace getting older. I haven't been able to of late. No matter how hard I try, I still can't seem to shake the feeling that I've thrown so many years of my life away...years that I will never get a chance to take back, even though I want to. It has gotten to the point that I am now actually dreading my own birthdays, and each year it only seems to get worse. My 33rd birthday is not for another 3 months plus, but I already have the feeling that I've thrown another year down the drain with nothing to show for it and it hurts, very badly.
At this point I am crying bad enough that I'm having trouble seeing the screen, so I have to stop here. Please message me privately if you want me to talk more about this.
So, last night (technically speaking because it's 12:45 am as I'm typing this) my mother celebrated her 63rd birthday. She wanted me to go out to dinner with her (and several others) and do the usual routine. Okay, fine.
Dinner was uneventful. But what happened after, even though nobody did anything wrong, was the trigger. My sister got a fancy card...one of those cards with sound. It had a frog on it, and when it's opened it plays the "Happy Birthday" song in ribbits.
It was amusing and I should have seen it as such. But instead it hit me right here....(covers his heart) :'( Er...excuse me....(clears his eyes)
Everyone else that I know of seems to be able to embrace getting older. I haven't been able to of late. No matter how hard I try, I still can't seem to shake the feeling that I've thrown so many years of my life away...years that I will never get a chance to take back, even though I want to. It has gotten to the point that I am now actually dreading my own birthdays, and each year it only seems to get worse. My 33rd birthday is not for another 3 months plus, but I already have the feeling that I've thrown another year down the drain with nothing to show for it and it hurts, very badly.
At this point I am crying bad enough that I'm having trouble seeing the screen, so I have to stop here. Please message me privately if you want me to talk more about this.
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