I am labeling this entry as frustrating because I cannot explain why I have the issue I'm about to expound on as entrenched as I do.
The issue is trusting people. It goes back more than half of my life. I should warn everyone now of the following: 1) this will be a long entry, and 2) part of this may seem very bizarre to you.
In high school, I had to put up with a lot of rowdy people (and occasionally I felt under their influence, but I never landed in major trouble). The boys. in particular, were really bad with behavior problems. The girls were much less so. If you choose to read on keep this in mind because I'm going to relate back to this later in this entry.
For a week every spring -- and always not long before the seniors graduated -- there would be pranks pulled in the building. No one was specifically targeted...instead it put everyone on edge. Because these weren't pranks, they were out-and-out dangerous. The following list is just the ones I remember (there were still more):
* A smoke bomb being set off. (For what this particular one did to me, you'll need to look back to previous entries...I forget which one.)
* Superballs being thrown over the landing. The third floor overlooked part of the second, so it was a popular target. You could see them bounce all the way above the railing.
* A watermelon being thrown over that same railing...if not for a quick-thinking faculty member it would have smashed someone right on the skull.
* Hot air balloons. People were stomping on them and it sounded like gunshots.
* A scavenger hunt one night that was anything but...it was more of a destruction derby that damaged over $20K in city property (conservative estimate). The board of aldermen seriously considered cancelling graduation ceremonies that year (which happened to be mine).
Boys perpetrated almost all of these, and while the school has since tightened up on those, I was left emotionally scarred, probably for life. It also made me very suspicious of people and especially men.
But here's what I don't get: These people are long out of my life. I haven't seen one for years. And yet I get the same gut reaction when I see somebody new, and it goes something like this: "Oh, you must be one of them." With females I can somehow suppress the thought, probably they didn't cause most of that trouble from so many years back. But with males, I can't...and ignorance kicks in immediately.
This is problematic, and here's why (this links to yesterday's entry): I just know I'm eventually going to hit the point where I will have to forgive these things that have happened and let my shield down. But it's so entrenched at the moment, I don't think I can loosen myself of it in time for the fall semester. And since I know for sure I'm going to have trouble with a college algebra course that I need to take next semester, that essentially means I'd need a female tutor or I'd bust. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would feel to me to actually have to say that?
This is ridiculous. Why won't these issues go away? I don't have an answer. And that's why this is frustrating as can be. What's running through my head isn't making sense, but I don't know how I can make sense out of it, which is why there is no goal progress to speak of (yet).
The issue is trusting people. It goes back more than half of my life. I should warn everyone now of the following: 1) this will be a long entry, and 2) part of this may seem very bizarre to you.
In high school, I had to put up with a lot of rowdy people (and occasionally I felt under their influence, but I never landed in major trouble). The boys. in particular, were really bad with behavior problems. The girls were much less so. If you choose to read on keep this in mind because I'm going to relate back to this later in this entry.
For a week every spring -- and always not long before the seniors graduated -- there would be pranks pulled in the building. No one was specifically targeted...instead it put everyone on edge. Because these weren't pranks, they were out-and-out dangerous. The following list is just the ones I remember (there were still more):
* A smoke bomb being set off. (For what this particular one did to me, you'll need to look back to previous entries...I forget which one.)
* Superballs being thrown over the landing. The third floor overlooked part of the second, so it was a popular target. You could see them bounce all the way above the railing.
* A watermelon being thrown over that same railing...if not for a quick-thinking faculty member it would have smashed someone right on the skull.
* Hot air balloons. People were stomping on them and it sounded like gunshots.
* A scavenger hunt one night that was anything but...it was more of a destruction derby that damaged over $20K in city property (conservative estimate). The board of aldermen seriously considered cancelling graduation ceremonies that year (which happened to be mine).
Boys perpetrated almost all of these, and while the school has since tightened up on those, I was left emotionally scarred, probably for life. It also made me very suspicious of people and especially men.
But here's what I don't get: These people are long out of my life. I haven't seen one for years. And yet I get the same gut reaction when I see somebody new, and it goes something like this: "Oh, you must be one of them." With females I can somehow suppress the thought, probably they didn't cause most of that trouble from so many years back. But with males, I can't...and ignorance kicks in immediately.
This is problematic, and here's why (this links to yesterday's entry): I just know I'm eventually going to hit the point where I will have to forgive these things that have happened and let my shield down. But it's so entrenched at the moment, I don't think I can loosen myself of it in time for the fall semester. And since I know for sure I'm going to have trouble with a college algebra course that I need to take next semester, that essentially means I'd need a female tutor or I'd bust. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would feel to me to actually have to say that?
This is ridiculous. Why won't these issues go away? I don't have an answer. And that's why this is frustrating as can be. What's running through my head isn't making sense, but I don't know how I can make sense out of it, which is why there is no goal progress to speak of (yet).
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