18 Months Later
Dear Fred:
In the early morning hours eighteen months ago I said good bye to Nick. Memories still haunt me of his suffering and how bravely he fought to live. I can hardly bear thinking about the last 4 months of his life and what he went through. Even after 18 months these memories still completely crush me and I would give or do anything if I could somehow turn time back and in some magical way make it so he did not have such a horrid end to such a brilliant life.
Memories of his suffering, his bravery and his misplaced trust in his doctors hurt me so much more than even the loneliness and emptiness. I felt then that I would have gladly died in his place. I still feel that way. But no amount of tears or the pain I feel in remembering what he went through will change what actually happened. None of this will correct the misdiagnosis and other errors made by the doctors. None of this will ever save him one second of the pain and suffering he endured. At times this is so hard to live with. The remembering and knowing there was no way to truly help him or correct the horrible mistake of his suffering and death. It nearly drove me crazy while this was happening and not being able to help him. It still has the same effect on me now.
I have tried support groups, individual grief counselling, reading, talking and writing about grief. I have tried going on trips, working on home projects, doing a little volunteer work and taking classes. I have tried praying and attending church (nondenominational), All of this has been like applying one bandage after another over a huge gaping wound. The bandages work for a short time but underneath the wound is still open and raw.
I would be willing to feel this way forever... 24 hours a day for the rest of my life..... if it would change in any way what Nick went through. I KNOW that none of this helps him. I KNOW nothing can or ever will change what happened and how he died. I just do not seem to be able to get my emotions to let go of this. I am out of ideas as to what to do. I have tried everything that I could think of. I mentally understand that reliving this does not help Nick or change what happened in any way.
Looking back over the past 18 months all I can say is that I hope with all my heart that during the next 18 months somehow these memories will lose their intensity and the logical part of me will be able to control them better. If there was any way the pain from these memories would help Nick I would be glad to do this for him. But, I know it does not help. What I don't know is how to stop them.
Darlene Sept. 28,2012
In the early morning hours eighteen months ago I said good bye to Nick. Memories still haunt me of his suffering and how bravely he fought to live. I can hardly bear thinking about the last 4 months of his life and what he went through. Even after 18 months these memories still completely crush me and I would give or do anything if I could somehow turn time back and in some magical way make it so he did not have such a horrid end to such a brilliant life.
Memories of his suffering, his bravery and his misplaced trust in his doctors hurt me so much more than even the loneliness and emptiness. I felt then that I would have gladly died in his place. I still feel that way. But no amount of tears or the pain I feel in remembering what he went through will change what actually happened. None of this will correct the misdiagnosis and other errors made by the doctors. None of this will ever save him one second of the pain and suffering he endured. At times this is so hard to live with. The remembering and knowing there was no way to truly help him or correct the horrible mistake of his suffering and death. It nearly drove me crazy while this was happening and not being able to help him. It still has the same effect on me now.
I have tried support groups, individual grief counselling, reading, talking and writing about grief. I have tried going on trips, working on home projects, doing a little volunteer work and taking classes. I have tried praying and attending church (nondenominational), All of this has been like applying one bandage after another over a huge gaping wound. The bandages work for a short time but underneath the wound is still open and raw.
I would be willing to feel this way forever... 24 hours a day for the rest of my life..... if it would change in any way what Nick went through. I KNOW that none of this helps him. I KNOW nothing can or ever will change what happened and how he died. I just do not seem to be able to get my emotions to let go of this. I am out of ideas as to what to do. I have tried everything that I could think of. I mentally understand that reliving this does not help Nick or change what happened in any way.
Looking back over the past 18 months all I can say is that I hope with all my heart that during the next 18 months somehow these memories will lose their intensity and the logical part of me will be able to control them better. If there was any way the pain from these memories would help Nick I would be glad to do this for him. But, I know it does not help. What I don't know is how to stop them.
Darlene Sept. 28,2012
Replies