Up and down

I just keep going up, and like clockwork I go back down out of no where. All of the old memories and people that I've gotten over seen to come back to my mind. Those memories and people put me down, make me feel worthless, god its so normal for me to think how could I kill myself. And honestly these thoughts are unemotional, I think about it unemotionally, logically... Honestly not a day goes by when I dont think about these things, and today they are worse, but today I have the words to describe them. I'm lonely, I feel so so fucking alone. I know what I have to do to progress out of this, but I have neither the motivation nor the tolerance to do so. Logic is out the window for now, I'm going on whatever comes to mind first now. I'm going to feed the monster inside me, and I'm going to watch where it takes me.