today
I'm depressed as hell. I haven't journaled in a while so maybe its bc I have a lot of pent up shit inside. I want to be as honest as possible. I've realized that honesty with how I feel is sometimes a struggle for me bc of my upbringing. Bc of how many times I've sold myself out so others can be more comfortable.
I need to leave this house. I need it desperately. Once I leave here I know I'll be able to quit smoking weed. It will be effortless. But It feels like getting out of here is utterly impossible. This place feels like quicksand. My ma is sooooo fucking annoying. Everything about her pisses me off. Nothing she does makes sense- nothing. She continuously acts like a small child in need of guidance and goes back and forth between that and making snide little caustic remarks that aren't enough for you to scream at her- just enough to make you feel like shit. She told me I abuse my cat. I love my cat more than anything. Anybody who gave 2 seconds of thought to that statement wouldn't have said it. She wasn't serious- that was her attempt at being funny. It wasn't funny. It usually isn't. It just drains my energy to have her here. Last night I came home from the office for what was supposed to be a couple of hours. I was depressed as hell. I figured I'd come home for a couple of hours and then go back into the office to get some work done. Then she tells me she's calling in to her night job and my night was instantly ruined. It takes SO much energy to get past her presence. I remember how when I was in undergraduate monday mornings used to be great for me. Bc I had structure. I was able to recover from dealing w her all weekend and I worked a night job so I didn't feel guilty- like I was missing work. Bc it takes time to ... I can't find the term to describe what it is. Her presence drastically drains my energy and it takes time to destress from her. I think I isolate bc my family is just horrible. They are extremists of all shapes and sizes but one characteristic they all share is negativity and the strong need to escape reality.
This wasn't supposed to happen. My degree was supposed to get me out of here. I was supposed to not have to deal w my family on a day to day basis. My life would be SO much easier that way. How the fuck do I make it happen? How do I get out of here? Please god give me the strength, knowledge, and grace to find a way out. This place is killing me.
I need to leave this house. I need it desperately. Once I leave here I know I'll be able to quit smoking weed. It will be effortless. But It feels like getting out of here is utterly impossible. This place feels like quicksand. My ma is sooooo fucking annoying. Everything about her pisses me off. Nothing she does makes sense- nothing. She continuously acts like a small child in need of guidance and goes back and forth between that and making snide little caustic remarks that aren't enough for you to scream at her- just enough to make you feel like shit. She told me I abuse my cat. I love my cat more than anything. Anybody who gave 2 seconds of thought to that statement wouldn't have said it. She wasn't serious- that was her attempt at being funny. It wasn't funny. It usually isn't. It just drains my energy to have her here. Last night I came home from the office for what was supposed to be a couple of hours. I was depressed as hell. I figured I'd come home for a couple of hours and then go back into the office to get some work done. Then she tells me she's calling in to her night job and my night was instantly ruined. It takes SO much energy to get past her presence. I remember how when I was in undergraduate monday mornings used to be great for me. Bc I had structure. I was able to recover from dealing w her all weekend and I worked a night job so I didn't feel guilty- like I was missing work. Bc it takes time to ... I can't find the term to describe what it is. Her presence drastically drains my energy and it takes time to destress from her. I think I isolate bc my family is just horrible. They are extremists of all shapes and sizes but one characteristic they all share is negativity and the strong need to escape reality.
This wasn't supposed to happen. My degree was supposed to get me out of here. I was supposed to not have to deal w my family on a day to day basis. My life would be SO much easier that way. How the fuck do I make it happen? How do I get out of here? Please god give me the strength, knowledge, and grace to find a way out. This place is killing me.
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