day 1
I woke up pissed the fuck off. Its 2 AM and I'm sober. That's my christmas gift to me. Sobriety. I've needed to journal for a few days now but I've resisted it for some reason. I think its denial. I don't want to believe that I have to quit. I know its gonna suck for a while but that life is going to be 100 times better once I quit.
I can't keep holding in this shame I feel. I know staying with myself is the only way. Smoking is a crutch. It always has been. Same w bingeing. They are a way I escape my life when it gets rough so I don't have to face myself. But facing myself is the only way to get rid of this feeling of shame I carry with me at all times. I beat the shit out of myself for not being perfect on a daily basis and I desperately need to stop doing that. It leaves me paralyzed. I have to take the hit- I have to suffer for a little bit so life can be good for me. I have to believe I deserve it. When I get high every night I feel like my life is a dress rehearsal. Like its not real and I'm on the outside looking in. I don't want that anymore.
I can't keep holding in this shame I feel. I know staying with myself is the only way. Smoking is a crutch. It always has been. Same w bingeing. They are a way I escape my life when it gets rough so I don't have to face myself. But facing myself is the only way to get rid of this feeling of shame I carry with me at all times. I beat the shit out of myself for not being perfect on a daily basis and I desperately need to stop doing that. It leaves me paralyzed. I have to take the hit- I have to suffer for a little bit so life can be good for me. I have to believe I deserve it. When I get high every night I feel like my life is a dress rehearsal. Like its not real and I'm on the outside looking in. I don't want that anymore.
Replies
I\'ve started looking up CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) again. After my first divorce, I used the process, and by God, it really does work. Look up Abraham Low and his methods - other self-help experts use this too, but don\'t necessarily call it that.
This might be some sort of support and relief, while you change your life. Hang in there kiddo!